Self-Discovery

A.W. Tozer’s Rules for Self-Discovery:

1. What we want most

2. What we think about most

3. How we use our money

4. What we do with our leisure time

5. The company we enjoy

6. Who and what we admire

7. What we laugh at

As I search my heart for the answers to these questions, I am not pleased by all that I find.  Talk about convicting. These are seemingly simple and trivial questions, and yet the answers they produce offer much greater insight into the deeper and darker state of my heart and soul.  As I examine my heart and seek to apply these questions to my own life, know that my sins and struggles listed here are by no means exhaustive.  In fact, all I have written here is only the tip of the iceberg.    

1. What do I want most?  I am a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and one of my greatest sin struggles is craving and idolizing the acceptance and approval of those around me.  I’m a goal-setter and a go-getter, and I foolishly pride myself in my self-sufficiency.  I seek the praise and meager comforts offered by man above abiding in the pleasure of my Heavenly Father.  As a Christian, I know that Christ is my beginning, middle and end, and as I look forward my prayer is that Jesus will by my Omega-point.  By this, I mean that I want His glory and my deep pleasure in Him to be my ultimate goal.  We all have an omega point, some of us may even have several omega points.  The question is, who or what is mine?  Is Christ the ultimate end, or simply the means to my own happy ending?  Am I living for an omega-point, or the one and only Omega-point?   

2. What do I think about most?  I’m a planner, and when the bubble upon which I build my illusion of control is suddenly popped, I become anxious.  Freak-out sessions and an ensuing sense of panic have been known to occur.  So what do I think about most?  Am I bringing glory to God in my heavily detailed and future-oriented thought life, or am I still stuck trying to figure out life in my own strength? I realize how desperately I need to relinquish this battle for control by surrendering my mind to Christ and taking every thought captive to Him!  Oh God, break my of my illusion of control and remind me that You are the only reason for my hope! 

3. How do I use my money?  Am I using my money to magnify God and further His kingdom, or does it find its greatest use in servicing my own self-centered wants and whims? Where is my treasure, and where is my heart? Luke 12:3 makes it clear that wherever my treasure is, there will my heart be also.  Do I treasure Christ or ultimately my possessions? Am I living for this world or the next?  Do I bring my offering forth begrudgingly or as an act of worship?  The answer makes all the difference.             

4. What do I do with my leisure time?  First off, do I even allow myself leisure time without giving into feelings of guilt and inadequacy?  As I stated earlier, I’m a people-pleaser and therefore a perfectionist and a performer.  Therefore, when I’m not performing, I sometimes allow myself to be taken captive by the lie that I am somehow failing and unworthy.  Leisure, as God designed it, is a beautiful thing.  It is an invitation to deeper fellowship and communion with Him and other believers, a time when we are invited fully into His presence without the worry and stress of always doing and performing. And yet, do I trust God enough to seek His presence fully in this manner? In college, I have made it my goal to make Sundays a complete day of rest.  This has been surprisingly difficult and indeed a bigger challenge than I originally anticipated.  What I’ve realized is this: if Sunday is indeed to be a day of rest, than it requires extra time and effort and diligence during the rest of the week. Regardless of my performance, however, I am commanded to rest.  God is glorified when I allow myself to seek the pleasure of His presence by surrendering up my hectic schedule and “to do” list to Him.  I am realizing quickly that to not seek His presence and the fellowship of other believers is actually a result of pride, pride which stems from my need to feel adequate and self-sufficient.  The glorious reality, however, is that I am not self-sufficient, and this is not a curse but rather a blessing, a blessing meant to drive me into deeper communion and community as I realize my deep need for Christ and others.  My prayer is that I will come to find peace in the silence.  May I never fear the stillness, but rather rejoice in the quite resting place my Lord tenderly invites me into!

5. Whose company to I enjoy?  I want to take this in a slightly different direction and ask myself instead, whose company do I intentionally seek out? I confess I don’t enjoy being called out and being held accountable isn’t exactly fun, so those relationships are ones I tend to avoid.  It all boils down to a fear of man which is ultimately rooted in pride (wow, sensing a theme yet?).  And yet, this is exactly the sort of company I need.  I need fellowship with those who will help draw me into deeper community with fellow believers and more intimate communion with Christ.  I confess I also tend to exchange the intimacy I am granted in Christ for the promise of more “tangible” human relationships. I know that Christ is the answer to all my deepest yearnings, but if He were all I truly had, would I still find my joy and satisfaction in Him?  Do I delight in His presence, or is His presence simply a mandated chore?  My prayer is that community with others and communion with Christ will not just be a duty, but a true delight to my soul.

6. Who and what do I admire?  Do I admire and adore Christ, or am I filled with adoration towards those idols I have erected in my own heart?  In my spiritual pride, I confess I am most guilty of self-adoration! What a lie I have believed.  In my sin I allow myself to become disillusioned to my own desperate and needy state.  My prayer is that God will break me of my spiritual pride and bring me humbly to my knees before Him.  Though I am bought and set free by the blood of Christ, may I never forget my sin-soiled state!

7. What do I laugh at? I found this last question quite puzzling at first, and yet I believe there is a lot of truth in the fact that you can often tell an individual's character by the things he or she laughs at and finds humorous.  As I look at my own heart, I must ask myself this: Do I find pleasure in God’s good glory and the amazing works of His hand, or do I seek to elevate myself by mocking and gossiping about others?  I know I’m not believing the Gospel when I put others down in order to make me feel better about myself!

I am so glad I came upon Tozer’s list.  It was much needed.  As Christians, I believe we have a responsibility to examine our hearts and lives and ask the tough questions.  Personally, I confess that diving deep into these issues can be intimidating out of fear of what I may find hidden away within the dark recesses of my heart.  But I do know this, whatever I find, I serve and worship the great God Almightly who is wholeheartedly committed to my sanctification, and nothing I find is too great for Him to overcome!