From Fear and Despair to Hope and Praise

My last semester at Hillsdale College has finally arrived.  I haven’t even been here a week and God is already teaching me so many important lessons.  Before I go on though I need to backtrack a few steps…

Arriving in Hillsdale last week, I was surprised and a bit startled by my response.  I guess I expected an overwhelming sense of excitement or eager anticipation at finally being a last-semester senior.  To put it simply, there were no such feelings of warmth or enthusiasm.  Rather, as I neared and finally entered “the Dale”, I was instead abruptly met with an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety.  These feelings were so powerful I almost wanted to forget graduating and turn high-tail and run.  What on earth was going on?  Everyone kept telling me this is such an exciting time of life.  Exciting, huh?  Not exactly the word I would have chosen.  I felt almost crippled at the mere thought of trying to figure out life after Hillsdale.  I mean, sure, God had certainly been leading me and placing things on my heart, but I didn’t know exaaaactly what the next few months would hold.  Being a planner and somewhat of control-freak, this was terrifying.  And not only was it terrifying, it was frustrating as well!  Why wasn’t God directing me more clearly?  Couldn’t He see that I desperately wanted to do His will, and things would be a whole lot easier if He just made that will clear?  Surely I had been seeking Him fervently, so what was this cold silence? Was He deliberately trying to keep me in the dark?  How come everyone else seemed to be figuring out life?  Things were going just dandy for them.  Did I miss something?    

Yes, these were the thoughts and questions running through my head.  I confess I actually wallowed in my self-pity and despair for several days.  In fact, it wasn’t until another frustrating day of self-abashing and wrestling with God that I encountered something that stopped me dead in my tracks and brought me to my knees.  That thing was a sermon by my pastor back home (RW Glenn) on the tragedy and triumph of Jesus through the lens of Psalm 22.  

My pastor’s sermon brought me back to facing the reality of all that God has graciously done for me.  Why had I been so despairing these past days?  It was because I was focusing on all the ways in which God appeared to be turning His back on me.  And by allowing my mind and heart to dwell on His seeming callousness, I had completely forgotten the countless times God had come to my aid and rescued me.  I had failed once again to remember God’s proven faithfulness.

But why is it so important that we remember our Lord’s steadfastness?  It is because it offers us hope and a heart of praise and worship like nothing else can.  When I take the time to truly remember all that my God has done for me, I am both humbled and amazed.  And yet how quickly I forget and how swiftly my praise turns to fear and doubt as I question God’s goodness and intentions!  I am deeply convicted when I read Hebrews 3 which warns against an “evil, unbelieving heart” which causes one to “fall away from the living God.”  I do not want to be like the Israelites who repeatedly saw God’s mighty hand and yet time after time hardened their hearts and put Him to the test!  Oh Father, forgive me.

Psalm 22 and my pastor’s sermon offer me much hope as I am reminded of the confidence I have in Christ, for Jesus came down in the greatest rescue-mission ever and suffered the greatest tragedy on the cross so that I would never have to!  As I read Isaiah 53, I am hit with the reality of all Christ submitted Himself to on my behalf—abandonment, wrath, and even death!  In this life we will have trials, but these trials are the means by which God raises His children from tragedy to triumph.  As my pastor said, God often allows us to “[touch] the darkness before tasting the light.”  Yes we have the promise of Romans 8:28, but the more we have to wrestle and struggle, the sweeter that promise will be and the harder we will cling to it.

God has been so good to bring me this great reminder of all He has saved me from.   In fact, this remembrance of all He has done has completely changed my heart from one of fear and despair to one of hope and praise.  My Father has been so near and I know that right now, I am exactly where He wants me, and that is no better place to be.  And even more so, I am confident that God will lead me as I continue to seek His will on life after Hillsdale.  Yes, I still have questions regarding what life after December and post-Hillsdale will look like, but I’m so eager to see God’s hand as He leads and guides me in accordance with His will.  In fact, I not only feel content with where the Lord has me, I feel excited.  Right now my prayer is that I will slowly surrender my need to control and have the faith to wait on the Lord’s perfect timing.  And until His will is made known to me, I want to earnestly seek Him, pray constantly, wait patiently, and step forward each day in joyful praise and trust.      

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:14-16 ESV)

Click HERE to listen to "Psalm 22: When Heaven Goes Silent"

Self-Discovery

A.W. Tozer’s Rules for Self-Discovery:

1. What we want most

2. What we think about most

3. How we use our money

4. What we do with our leisure time

5. The company we enjoy

6. Who and what we admire

7. What we laugh at

As I search my heart for the answers to these questions, I am not pleased by all that I find.  Talk about convicting. These are seemingly simple and trivial questions, and yet the answers they produce offer much greater insight into the deeper and darker state of my heart and soul.  As I examine my heart and seek to apply these questions to my own life, know that my sins and struggles listed here are by no means exhaustive.  In fact, all I have written here is only the tip of the iceberg.    

1. What do I want most?  I am a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and one of my greatest sin struggles is craving and idolizing the acceptance and approval of those around me.  I’m a goal-setter and a go-getter, and I foolishly pride myself in my self-sufficiency.  I seek the praise and meager comforts offered by man above abiding in the pleasure of my Heavenly Father.  As a Christian, I know that Christ is my beginning, middle and end, and as I look forward my prayer is that Jesus will by my Omega-point.  By this, I mean that I want His glory and my deep pleasure in Him to be my ultimate goal.  We all have an omega point, some of us may even have several omega points.  The question is, who or what is mine?  Is Christ the ultimate end, or simply the means to my own happy ending?  Am I living for an omega-point, or the one and only Omega-point?   

2. What do I think about most?  I’m a planner, and when the bubble upon which I build my illusion of control is suddenly popped, I become anxious.  Freak-out sessions and an ensuing sense of panic have been known to occur.  So what do I think about most?  Am I bringing glory to God in my heavily detailed and future-oriented thought life, or am I still stuck trying to figure out life in my own strength? I realize how desperately I need to relinquish this battle for control by surrendering my mind to Christ and taking every thought captive to Him!  Oh God, break my of my illusion of control and remind me that You are the only reason for my hope! 

3. How do I use my money?  Am I using my money to magnify God and further His kingdom, or does it find its greatest use in servicing my own self-centered wants and whims? Where is my treasure, and where is my heart? Luke 12:3 makes it clear that wherever my treasure is, there will my heart be also.  Do I treasure Christ or ultimately my possessions? Am I living for this world or the next?  Do I bring my offering forth begrudgingly or as an act of worship?  The answer makes all the difference.             

4. What do I do with my leisure time?  First off, do I even allow myself leisure time without giving into feelings of guilt and inadequacy?  As I stated earlier, I’m a people-pleaser and therefore a perfectionist and a performer.  Therefore, when I’m not performing, I sometimes allow myself to be taken captive by the lie that I am somehow failing and unworthy.  Leisure, as God designed it, is a beautiful thing.  It is an invitation to deeper fellowship and communion with Him and other believers, a time when we are invited fully into His presence without the worry and stress of always doing and performing. And yet, do I trust God enough to seek His presence fully in this manner? In college, I have made it my goal to make Sundays a complete day of rest.  This has been surprisingly difficult and indeed a bigger challenge than I originally anticipated.  What I’ve realized is this: if Sunday is indeed to be a day of rest, than it requires extra time and effort and diligence during the rest of the week. Regardless of my performance, however, I am commanded to rest.  God is glorified when I allow myself to seek the pleasure of His presence by surrendering up my hectic schedule and “to do” list to Him.  I am realizing quickly that to not seek His presence and the fellowship of other believers is actually a result of pride, pride which stems from my need to feel adequate and self-sufficient.  The glorious reality, however, is that I am not self-sufficient, and this is not a curse but rather a blessing, a blessing meant to drive me into deeper communion and community as I realize my deep need for Christ and others.  My prayer is that I will come to find peace in the silence.  May I never fear the stillness, but rather rejoice in the quite resting place my Lord tenderly invites me into!

5. Whose company to I enjoy?  I want to take this in a slightly different direction and ask myself instead, whose company do I intentionally seek out? I confess I don’t enjoy being called out and being held accountable isn’t exactly fun, so those relationships are ones I tend to avoid.  It all boils down to a fear of man which is ultimately rooted in pride (wow, sensing a theme yet?).  And yet, this is exactly the sort of company I need.  I need fellowship with those who will help draw me into deeper community with fellow believers and more intimate communion with Christ.  I confess I also tend to exchange the intimacy I am granted in Christ for the promise of more “tangible” human relationships. I know that Christ is the answer to all my deepest yearnings, but if He were all I truly had, would I still find my joy and satisfaction in Him?  Do I delight in His presence, or is His presence simply a mandated chore?  My prayer is that community with others and communion with Christ will not just be a duty, but a true delight to my soul.

6. Who and what do I admire?  Do I admire and adore Christ, or am I filled with adoration towards those idols I have erected in my own heart?  In my spiritual pride, I confess I am most guilty of self-adoration! What a lie I have believed.  In my sin I allow myself to become disillusioned to my own desperate and needy state.  My prayer is that God will break me of my spiritual pride and bring me humbly to my knees before Him.  Though I am bought and set free by the blood of Christ, may I never forget my sin-soiled state!

7. What do I laugh at? I found this last question quite puzzling at first, and yet I believe there is a lot of truth in the fact that you can often tell an individual's character by the things he or she laughs at and finds humorous.  As I look at my own heart, I must ask myself this: Do I find pleasure in God’s good glory and the amazing works of His hand, or do I seek to elevate myself by mocking and gossiping about others?  I know I’m not believing the Gospel when I put others down in order to make me feel better about myself!

I am so glad I came upon Tozer’s list.  It was much needed.  As Christians, I believe we have a responsibility to examine our hearts and lives and ask the tough questions.  Personally, I confess that diving deep into these issues can be intimidating out of fear of what I may find hidden away within the dark recesses of my heart.  But I do know this, whatever I find, I serve and worship the great God Almightly who is wholeheartedly committed to my sanctification, and nothing I find is too great for Him to overcome! 

Two Great Things

Wow.  I haven't been on here in a while.  So much has happened over the past several months I barely know where to start.  This past semester especially has been quite the whirlwind.  In the midst of all the busyness, however, God has been so abundantly faithful as He has worked in me in so many profound and exciting new ways.  I could ramble on forever regarding the things that God has taught me and shown me these past few months.  Right now, however, I will only touch on two areas.

The first thing God has really brought to my attention is the extreme awareness of how short my life really is.  This may sound morbid, but it isn't meant to be.  God has just really impressed upon me a sense of urgency to serve Him with every aspect of my life and in every moment of my life.   My life is like a fleeting vapor, one moment here and the next moment gone.  In fact, one hundred years from now, no one on this earth will know or even care who Sara Seeland was.  I need to stop living for this world and for my own vain pleasures, and put an end to the mindset that I will allow God to use me later in my life once I have "settled down."  No!  The time I have right now is precious, and there is no guarantee that I will be granted tomorrow.  My life is not my own, and beginning now I want my short breath of life to radiate that reality.  I went to spend and be spent for my Lord and Savior and to take every thought, deed, and word captive to Christ as I wholeheartedly follow Him.  I want to possess a heart that is so deeply rooted in Him that I am willing to follow wherever He leads me.  My life is so short, and I don't want to waste a moment on my own vain pursuits.  I so desperately want to glorify the Lord with my use of time, classes, relationships...everything!!!.  I want to be pursuing Him wholeheartedly NOW.  I am so thankful that God has opened my eyes to the light of eternity, and my prayer is that I will not lose this sense of urgency.  I wholeheartedly wish that God will use me, however He chooses, for the advancement of His kingdom.  

The second great thing God has shown me is that I was created to delight in Him.   Somehow, in making God my Lord and my Savior, whereby I have always sought to glorify Him and honor Him with my life, I have somehow missed that the key to all of this is delighting in Him.  I do not know how, but I have misunderstood this for so long, and I have therefore never truly delighted in Him.  Christ stated, "This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me."  If my heart is unmoved, my woship is vain and empty nothingness.  That's a chilling thought!  I fear that my greatest enemy has been my own misguided virtue.  I have sought to reflect the worth of God in my outward actions, but I have misunderstood that the  essense of true worship begins with the heart.  If I am simply pursuing God out of pure duty, it ceases to be worship.  Yes, there is an element of duty to worship, but there is so much more.   God has been so merciful, however, that though my longing and delight are so meager, He continues to draw near to me.  Thankfulness can't even begin to describe what the Holy Spirit has been doing in my life as my eyes are opened to God's glory and my heart is transformed such that I delight in Him simply for Who He is.  I have this new and longing hunger to see and know God better, a hunger that is so much deeper than previously.  And now, like never before, I can pray with the Psalmist, "O God, thou art my God, I seek thee, my soul thirsts for thee; my flesh faints for thee, as in a dry and weary land where no water is" (Psalm 63:1).  As I stated earlier, I realize that my longing and delighting are still so meager, but I am so excited for how God is transforming my heart to one that earnestly desires to worship and glorify Him by delighting in Him.

I am so blessed for the ways in which God has worked in my life this past semester and I am so excited for the ways in which He will continue to do so.  My prayer is that God will continue to lead me as to what He has for my life and that He will continue to direct me as I pursue Him.  As I seek to be open to what God has for me and where and how He is calling me, I also pray that I will day by day grow in my love for Him, love which not only manifests itself in obedience, but also in true delight.  

The Best Road Map Available

So, I’m finally back Hillsdale for the second semester of my Junior year.  Yikes!  Classes don’t start until the 18^th, but I have to say it’s very nice being back and enjoying some down time before I get back into my hectic class and work schedule.  Campus is extremely quiet, but I love it.  Not only have been able to unpack, organize and clean (not my favorite but it has to be done), but I have been able to spend so much time in prayer and in God’s Word.  I have to say I am so excited about this upcoming semester, yet I am somewhat nervous as to how it will unfold.  I’m not really nervous in a sick-to-my-stomach way.  Rather, my nerves stem from knowing that God will continue to be at work in my life this semester, but not knowing what that will look like exactly.  I have areas in my life that I know need desperate work, and I’ve asked God to change me in those areas and mold me as He will.  It’s just that when you’re the clay, you have absolutely zero control—the Potter, on the other hand, decides how He wants to fashion His clay (in this case, me!).   I believe it is this that is causing my eager-yet-nervous anticipation.

My aunt recently gave me a 365 day devotional by Sara Young, titled Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence.  Today’s devotional was perfect for how I’ve been feeling.  As I read it, I could just imagine God wrapping His arms around me, and as He held me tight, whispering:

“Let Me prepare you for the day (and semester!) that stretches out before you.  I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it.  You would like to see a map, showing all the twists and turns of your journey.  You’d feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with Me.  I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way.  Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts.  Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me.  My abiding Presence is the best road map available.”

Oh, how true this is! What a sweet and beautiful promise we are given! When we immerse ourselves in God’s Word and eagerly seek His presence, He does not hide.  Rather, He draws near us, giving us the strength to place one foot in front of the other as we draw near to Him in trust.  My prayer is that I will do this!  May the busyness and stress of college life never pull me away from God.  If I start to doubt and question God’s will for my life this semester, may it only serve to drive me harder to God and spend more time with Him! As I look forward, my prayer is that I will seek fervently after God as I rest in His presence! 

Thank God I Am Weak

A few nights ago my mom came and sat in on my bed and comforted her teary-eyed, almost 21-year-old daughter.  Yes, me.   And why was I so emotional?  Well, there were a whole host of issues revolving around school, summer internships, relationships and overall feelings of inadequacy.  To put it simply—life.   After talking and praying with my mom, however, I am so thankful that I am not in control.  Yes, life’s fragility and unpredictability may be frightening at times, but I know myself well enough to understand that were I in control, I would have no use for God.   In other words, if I had the strength and ability to manage all of my life, God would be forgotten in a heartbeat, for I would have no need of Him.  And so, in an odd sense, I praise God that I am weak, because in the midst of my lack of control I am forced to reach out to Him.  Because I do not know that my next years will bring, or even my next semester, I run to God regularly.  I am thankful for all the unknowns and my lack of control—they are God’s wise and loving mercy to me, keeping me humbly at His feet where I am safest. 

Movie Night

My freshman year of college I walked out of a dorm room movie night with my friends, an act that resulted in a major scene that left certain friends bewildered and others angry even.  As a result of my refusal to watch The Ugly Truth, I was bitterly called everything from “critical” and “ridiculously naïve” to “fun-sucking”.  For the first time in my life I was even called a “prude”.    Now a junior, I still receive flack for that night two years ago where I walked out of a “great” and “funny” movie which “accurately” portrays our world.  I believe that movie, however, and our fascination with turning towards others like it for “entertainment” only testifies to the crudely depraved and sin-filled world we live in.

Just recently, I was put in a similar situation to what happened my freshman year.  Only this time, the night went quite differently. I was with the same group of friends, and we were only minutes into our movie before I knew that I had no business sitting in that living room.  The movie was beyond distasteful—it was vulgar in the most extreme sense of the word, containing foul language, lusty young men and loose women.  As a whole, the messages it portrayed stood in direct opposition to everything I claim and hold to be true.  It was my freshman dorm room movie night all over again. 

And so, what was my response?  Did I say something to the others?  Did I get up and leave?  No.  I was given the opportunity to reflect Christ to my friends, an opportunity from which I fled.  I believe at one point I said “This is awful!” and then I continued to sit there.  Rather than face the criticism of my friends (both believers and non-believers) or go through the arduous process of explaining myself and thereby causing a huge disruption, I sat passively by through a movie I was out of line to watch. I was wrong to be there, but I took what I thought to be the easy way out.   My cowardly response was to compromise. 

Needless to say, I felt dirty and sick to my stomach, deeply aware of the fact that I had blatantly ignored the convictions of the Spirit inside me.  As a result, I failed to live as Christ—I was not watchful and I did not stand firm.  Rather, I acted in complete cowardice and selfishness.

Since then, I have acknowledged my wrong and sought the forgiveness of each of my friends present that night.  I am still, however, left with this question: As a Christian, what should my thoughts, words, and actions look?  I am called to be “in the world but not of the world,” yet this is a hard line to walk.  My prayer is that Christ will continue to pour His Spirit into me, thereby granting me not only the wisdom and discernment to know His truth, but also the boldness to stand firm in that truth.