Prayer Meeting

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Wednesday nights my church holds prayer meeting.   Yes, prayer meeting. Sounds a little old-fashioned and Puritan-esque, right?  Maybe so.  I confess that when my family first began attending Redeemer, I balked at prayer meeting.  You mean I will be asked to pray with strangers?  No thank you! 

I dreaded prayer meeting for several reasons.  First, prayer meeting meant I had to pray with strangers, and usually one-on-one.  As much as I loved meeting new people, this could be awkward.  What if no one wanted to pray with me? And when I did find someone, what if we didn’t click?  What if they didn’t like me?  Secondly, praying aloud was a major source of fear for me.  What if I couldn’t articulate my thoughts?  What would the person praying with me think?  Would I be looked down on for the manner in which I prayed?  These anxieties manifested themselves in some pretty tragic ways, the result being that during prayer meeting I became so focused on my prayers that I completely forgot about the One I was praying to.  Sounds pretty distorted, right?  That’s because it was.  I was completely crippled by my insecurities, unable to be real in my prayers because I felt a need to portray myself in a certain light, a need to be what others expected me to be.  And so, fearing the judgment of others, I wasn’t vulnerable in my prayers. Rather than prayer meeting being a time of community with other believers and communion with God, prayer meeting became a courtroom.  Would I live up to the expectations of others?  Would I have their approval?  Ultimately, the reason prayer meeting freaked me out is because it was all about me.  My comfort. My reputation.  As Tim Keller says, “It takes pride to be anxious.”  This was exactly my case, for my anxiety stemmed from a twisted sense of pride which manifested itself in a fear of man.

"We are all looking for an ultimate verdict that we are important and valuable. We look for that ultimate verdict every day in all the situations and people around us. And that means that every single day, we are on trial. Every day, we put ourselves back in a courtroom…”  –Tim Keller, ‘The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness’

I am so thankful that my God is patient yet firm with me.  Over the years I’ve needed to repeatedly confess and repent of my fear of man.  Through the work of the Holy Spirit and the encouragement of others, this is an area I’ve grown in.  But it’s not over—I still, at times, find myself returning to this fearful and self-preoccupied state.  It seems that so often I fail to remember Who God is, thereby forgetting Whose I am.

“...but [Christians] are out of the courtroom, [we] are out of the trial. How? Because Jesus Christ went on trial instead. Jesus went into the courtroom. Why? As our substitute. He took the condemnation we deserve; He faced the trial that should be ours so that we do not have to face any more trials...Self-forgetfulness takes you out of the courtroom. The trial is over. The verdict is in... We have to relive the gospel on the spot and ask ourselves what we are doing in the courtroom. We should not be there. The court is adjourned."  –Tim Keller, ‘The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness’

So at times although prayer meeting is the last place I want to be, it is exactly where I need to be, since this is where real, transformative growth takes place—outside my comfort zone.

“The only way to come to God is by taking off any spiritual mask. The real you has to meet the real God. He is a person. The criteria for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your  wandering mind. Come messy. Instead of being frozen by your self-preoccupation, talk with God about your worries. Often we are so busy and overwhelmed that when we slow down to pray, we don’t know where our hearts are. We don’t know what troubles us. So, oddly enough, we might have to worry before we pray. Then our prayers will make sense. They will be about our real lives.”

–Paul Miller, ‘A Praying Life’

Prayer meeting is thus a chance for me to practice the freedom of self-forgetfulness.  It’s not about me.  It’s about worshiping my Lord and Savior through fellowship with other believers. It’s not about how I view myself or how others view me.  Ultimately, these perspectives do not matter.  The only perspective that matters is God’s. What does this mean?  It means I can come to prayer meeting messy—I’m free to admit my weakness and struggles, free to be real.  What a sweet relief it is. 

"Like Paul, we can say, 'I don't care what you think. I don't even care what I think. I only care what the Lord thinks.' And he has said, 'Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus', and 'You are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased.' Live out of that.” –Tim Keller, ‘The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness’

I have been so encouraged by the manner in which the body of Christ has really become a living reality for me.  As much as I once dreaded prayer meeting, I now leave Redeemer incredibly encouraged.  Through conversation and prayer, I get to experience communion and fellowship with fellow believers. Since we gather as the body of Christ, the women I pray with are my sisters.  Sisters.

“For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” 

(Matthew 18:20)

Just like I don’t fear my sister Ingrid, I need not fear my sisters in Christ.  These women have blessed me in profound ways, and despite any differences we may have, we are united by a common foundation—Christ.  And what a solid foundation it is, for the Gospel of Christ crosses all barriers.  What a gift that prayer meeting gives me the opportunity to pray and worship with people I might not otherwise connect with.

 “…a Christian comes to others only through Jesus Christ….Without Christ we should not know God, we could not call upon him, nor come to him. But without Christ we also would not know our brother, nor could we come to him. The way is blocked by our own ego. Christ opened up the way to God and to our brother.” —Dietrich Bonhoeffer

What Love

I am continually amazed by God’s particular love for His children.  Just the other week, my younger sister, Ingrid, shared in youth group an upcoming event she wanted prayer for.  As she shared her particular struggles and concerns with her small group, they prayed that God would protect Ingrid both spiritualy and emotionally.

The following day—the day this particular event was to take place—my sister was at school.  For her, it seemed like any other normal day in the life of a high school freshman, but that was soon to change. Excusing herself from one of her classes to use the restroom, Ingrid saw a flyer on the bathroom mirror with tear-off tabs.   Curious, she approached the flyer to notice it read, “Take what you need.”  There was one tab left: Protection. 

Ripping off the tab and flipping it over, she read the Bible verse written on the back, "God you are my hiding place, you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance" Psalm 32:7. 

What a coincidence!  How wonderful that Ingrid was in the right place at the right time. At least, that's what many could and probably would say.  And yet, consider the incredible detail in the events that unfolded:  To begin, Ingrid was led to share a concern and struggle with her small group at church, something which led them to pray a very specific prayer of protection for her.  Then, the following day, of all the possible bathrooms Ingrid could have gone into at a giant high school, she happened to enter this particular one.  Also, at a public high school like Minnetonka, faith matters—while maybe not actively discouraged—certainly aren't encouraged.  And yet, despite this, some female student felt led to place a flyer with encouraging Bible verses in one of the bathrooms, a flyer with only one tab remaining: Protection. Coincidence or providence?

I don't believe what happened last week was coincidence, and neither does Ingrid.  Honestly, I believe coincidence, chance, luck and other such words are simply worldly terms for providence. In Christian circles, providence is a term that gets thrown around a lot.  Yet what is it and what does it mean? In a current book study on Trusting God by Jerry Bridges, I am learning that providence is "God's constant care for and His absolute rule over all His creation for His own glory and the good of His people." And so, to recognize God's providence is to realize that not only is He sovereign over all things, but He actively guides and directs all things in accordance with His ultimate purpose: our good and His glory.  

And yet, God's sovereignty is not always apparent.  In fact, it often isn't.  Take the stories of Ruth and Esther, for example.  In Ruth’s case, we read, “So she set forth and went and gleaned in the field after the reapers; and she happened to come to the part of the field belonging to Boaz, who was of the family of Elimelech. And behold, Boaz came from Bethlehem…”(Ruth 2:3-4a).  Basically, no one told Ruth to glean from  Boaz’s field, yet his was the field she came upon by happenchance.  And who just happened to return home while Ruth was gleaning in the field? None other than the master of the house himself: Boaz.  Talk about perfect timing.  What is more, we read later in the chapter that Ruth found favor with Boaz.  Why?  Did she just happen to be in the right place at the right time?  Or was something or Someone greater at work?

Esther’s case is another prime example of the unseen hand of God. Throughout the entire book, God remains hidden behind the scenes—He doesn’t speak, He doesn’t send angels to rescue His people nor does He send a prophet.  There are no miracles in this book, nothing supernatural.  And so, in many respects, Esther appears to be a Godless book.  And yet, all of the events that transpire in the book of Esther scream of God’s love, power, goodness, grace, justice, and faithfulness.  As Mordecai himself says to Esther, “And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14b). For those familiar with the story of Esther, you know how it ends. But how is this so?  As pastor Mark Driscoll states, “God works in Esther not through His visible hand of miracle, but through His invisible hand of providence.”   

And yet, despite His seeming invisibility, I am becoming increasingly aware of the ways in which God makes Himself known in so many intimate, personal ways.  It's amazing that God cares so deeply for His children that He shows His love so specifically.  What kindness!  The other week, God showed His specific love for Ingrid on the mirror in one of her high school bathrooms.  When I reflect on my own life, I am astounded by the countless ways in which God has shown me that same, specific love.  Personally, I know that so often I resign myself to "facts" about God... His goodness, sovereignty, power, love, etc. And these truths are incredibly important, yet in order to have a deeper, more personal relationship with my Lord and Savior, I cannot rely solely on facts.  To have this, I must come to see Him in the midst of my personal pain and rejoicing, struggles and triumphs—I see His providence in the details of my life, and through this, grow in my trust of Him.  As someone just said to me recently, "You can't have a real relationship without trust.  If you don't have trust, there's no relationship."  Such a simple statement, yet so true.  And this is why I believe God is so specific in His love towards us—He wants us to trust Him, to rely solely on Him and to have faith in His power and goodness.   He can't help but overflow in abundant lovingkindness towards us, a love which, in turn, can't help but win our trust.  I am in awe of this—that my Father, the God of the universe, loves me that deeply, right now. What love, great love.  

Self-Discovery

A.W. Tozer’s Rules for Self-Discovery:

1. What we want most

2. What we think about most

3. How we use our money

4. What we do with our leisure time

5. The company we enjoy

6. Who and what we admire

7. What we laugh at

As I search my heart for the answers to these questions, I am not pleased by all that I find.  Talk about convicting. These are seemingly simple and trivial questions, and yet the answers they produce offer much greater insight into the deeper and darker state of my heart and soul.  As I examine my heart and seek to apply these questions to my own life, know that my sins and struggles listed here are by no means exhaustive.  In fact, all I have written here is only the tip of the iceberg.    

1. What do I want most?  I am a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and one of my greatest sin struggles is craving and idolizing the acceptance and approval of those around me.  I’m a goal-setter and a go-getter, and I foolishly pride myself in my self-sufficiency.  I seek the praise and meager comforts offered by man above abiding in the pleasure of my Heavenly Father.  As a Christian, I know that Christ is my beginning, middle and end, and as I look forward my prayer is that Jesus will by my Omega-point.  By this, I mean that I want His glory and my deep pleasure in Him to be my ultimate goal.  We all have an omega point, some of us may even have several omega points.  The question is, who or what is mine?  Is Christ the ultimate end, or simply the means to my own happy ending?  Am I living for an omega-point, or the one and only Omega-point?   

2. What do I think about most?  I’m a planner, and when the bubble upon which I build my illusion of control is suddenly popped, I become anxious.  Freak-out sessions and an ensuing sense of panic have been known to occur.  So what do I think about most?  Am I bringing glory to God in my heavily detailed and future-oriented thought life, or am I still stuck trying to figure out life in my own strength? I realize how desperately I need to relinquish this battle for control by surrendering my mind to Christ and taking every thought captive to Him!  Oh God, break my of my illusion of control and remind me that You are the only reason for my hope! 

3. How do I use my money?  Am I using my money to magnify God and further His kingdom, or does it find its greatest use in servicing my own self-centered wants and whims? Where is my treasure, and where is my heart? Luke 12:3 makes it clear that wherever my treasure is, there will my heart be also.  Do I treasure Christ or ultimately my possessions? Am I living for this world or the next?  Do I bring my offering forth begrudgingly or as an act of worship?  The answer makes all the difference.             

4. What do I do with my leisure time?  First off, do I even allow myself leisure time without giving into feelings of guilt and inadequacy?  As I stated earlier, I’m a people-pleaser and therefore a perfectionist and a performer.  Therefore, when I’m not performing, I sometimes allow myself to be taken captive by the lie that I am somehow failing and unworthy.  Leisure, as God designed it, is a beautiful thing.  It is an invitation to deeper fellowship and communion with Him and other believers, a time when we are invited fully into His presence without the worry and stress of always doing and performing. And yet, do I trust God enough to seek His presence fully in this manner? In college, I have made it my goal to make Sundays a complete day of rest.  This has been surprisingly difficult and indeed a bigger challenge than I originally anticipated.  What I’ve realized is this: if Sunday is indeed to be a day of rest, than it requires extra time and effort and diligence during the rest of the week. Regardless of my performance, however, I am commanded to rest.  God is glorified when I allow myself to seek the pleasure of His presence by surrendering up my hectic schedule and “to do” list to Him.  I am realizing quickly that to not seek His presence and the fellowship of other believers is actually a result of pride, pride which stems from my need to feel adequate and self-sufficient.  The glorious reality, however, is that I am not self-sufficient, and this is not a curse but rather a blessing, a blessing meant to drive me into deeper communion and community as I realize my deep need for Christ and others.  My prayer is that I will come to find peace in the silence.  May I never fear the stillness, but rather rejoice in the quite resting place my Lord tenderly invites me into!

5. Whose company to I enjoy?  I want to take this in a slightly different direction and ask myself instead, whose company do I intentionally seek out? I confess I don’t enjoy being called out and being held accountable isn’t exactly fun, so those relationships are ones I tend to avoid.  It all boils down to a fear of man which is ultimately rooted in pride (wow, sensing a theme yet?).  And yet, this is exactly the sort of company I need.  I need fellowship with those who will help draw me into deeper community with fellow believers and more intimate communion with Christ.  I confess I also tend to exchange the intimacy I am granted in Christ for the promise of more “tangible” human relationships. I know that Christ is the answer to all my deepest yearnings, but if He were all I truly had, would I still find my joy and satisfaction in Him?  Do I delight in His presence, or is His presence simply a mandated chore?  My prayer is that community with others and communion with Christ will not just be a duty, but a true delight to my soul.

6. Who and what do I admire?  Do I admire and adore Christ, or am I filled with adoration towards those idols I have erected in my own heart?  In my spiritual pride, I confess I am most guilty of self-adoration! What a lie I have believed.  In my sin I allow myself to become disillusioned to my own desperate and needy state.  My prayer is that God will break me of my spiritual pride and bring me humbly to my knees before Him.  Though I am bought and set free by the blood of Christ, may I never forget my sin-soiled state!

7. What do I laugh at? I found this last question quite puzzling at first, and yet I believe there is a lot of truth in the fact that you can often tell an individual's character by the things he or she laughs at and finds humorous.  As I look at my own heart, I must ask myself this: Do I find pleasure in God’s good glory and the amazing works of His hand, or do I seek to elevate myself by mocking and gossiping about others?  I know I’m not believing the Gospel when I put others down in order to make me feel better about myself!

I am so glad I came upon Tozer’s list.  It was much needed.  As Christians, I believe we have a responsibility to examine our hearts and lives and ask the tough questions.  Personally, I confess that diving deep into these issues can be intimidating out of fear of what I may find hidden away within the dark recesses of my heart.  But I do know this, whatever I find, I serve and worship the great God Almightly who is wholeheartedly committed to my sanctification, and nothing I find is too great for Him to overcome!