Sweetly Broken

“O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.” ― A.W. Tozer

Well, it finally happened.  Stubborn and strong-willed Sara Seeland has come to the end of herself.  I’m hopeless and helpless to save myself. It’s been a difficult day.  A difficult week.  In fact, I admit it’s been an incredibly difficult summer.  In spite of all the things God has taught me, I’m exhausted of still trying to “do life” in my own strength.  I am drowning in my self-sufficiency.  The reality of the situation is that in my recent flounderings to remain strong and independent, I have actually become increasingly needy.  Needy for Something and Someone. 

While I believe firmly that God uses these barren times of frustration and loneliness to invite us into deeper communion with Him, I have not accepted that invitation.  Rather, I have forsaken this incredibly opportunity to immerse myself in the gospel and have instead pursued fulfillment in those things which cannot ultimately satisfy. Take relationships, for example.  As beings designed after God’s own image, we are created for community with other beings.  This community, however, should not come at the expense of deep and intimate communion with God.  This summer, however, I have sacrificed that communion for community—I have turned towards others to fill that which only God can supply, and when they fail to satisfy this deep need I have within, I isolate myself in frustration and despair.

I am deeply convicted by his sermon, “The First Dark Exchange: Idolatry”, in which John Piper preaches on Romans 1:21-23.  This passage reads, “For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures.”  I am ashamed to admit I have absolutely suppressed the Holy Spirit’s promptings within me.  Instead, I have pursed the “pitiful substitutes” that Piper describes in his sermon, and as he himself states, “That is the fundamental problem with the human race. We do not acknowledge, value, treasure, savor, honor, or make much of the greatest value in the universe, the glory of God. That is our wickedness and our disease and our great mutiny against God.”  Piper argues, “The created universe is all about glory.  The deepest longing of the human heart and the deepest meaning of heaven and earth are summed up in this: the glory of God…The universe was made to show it, and we were made to see it and savor it.  Which is why the world is so disordered and as dysfunctional as it is.  We have exchanged the glory of God for other things.” I am indeed guilty of this “dark exchange”, in the midst of which my speculations have become futile, my heart has darkened, and my own perceived wisdom has masked the true foolishness of my exchange.

Christ is indeed the answer to the psalmist’s question, “Whom have I in heaven but you?” (Psalm 73:25), and yet I have failed—refused, in fact—to embrace this reality.  I am so thankful, however, that God has not left me to myself.  Despite forsaking Him and running headlong into self-destruction, Christ has chased after me and assumed the cost of my deliberate sins upon Himself.  His radical sacrifice is beyond my understanding, and yet I do know this:  I have reached the end of myself, and now it is He I must finally turn towards to save me from my Hell-bound race.  But I feel cold and distant, and I am ashamed of my meager, half-hearted attempts to return once again to His side.   And so my prayer, like Tozer, is this: “O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.”  May I once again experience the sweet communion that comes only from fellowship with God, and may He humble me through this such that I am evermore reminded that He alone is the one true treasure that my heart and soul yearn for.  

Like HERE to Piper's sermon, "The First Dark Exchange: Idolatry"

Burnt Out

Tired.  Burnt out.  Exhausted. Drained.  This is exactly how I feel right now.  So much has happened over the past few weeks, and the past few days especially, that I feel I've hardly had time to breathe.  Mom got married last Friday.  Zach left for Marine boot camp Sunday evening.  I'm busy working long days as a nanny for a family with seven kids.  Actually, as of Monday, make that eight kids.  On top of these things, I still haven't fully unpacked and organized from college.  I have boxes of things from Papua New Guinea I've been meaning to go through but haven't gotten to yet.  All the necessary details for graduating from Hillsdale this Fall still need to be worked out.  I haven't researched grad schools.  The laundry in my room is accumulating into a small mountain.  My room likes like a small  bomb went off.  Or a very large one, depending on your level of "tidy tolerance".      


Routine is currently non-existant in my life, and I hate it.  I find I thrive under stricter schedules, for the demands of a heavy and rigid schedule require that I be dedicated and maintain a higher level of self-discipline.  This goes for all areas--my private worship, eating, working out, cleaning, relationships, etc.  And although my schedule is currently jam-packed, there is no rhyme or reason to it.  Each day is different, and I feel as though I'm barely able to keep my head above water.  I'm going through the motions of the day-to-day tasks I once loved, but I find that my heart does not respond the way it once did.  I hate how sharp my words have become, and how dull, proud, and at times, downright mean I can be towards others.  Everything feels lifeless.  I feel lifeless.

In my self-despair, I abhor my body of death, and I seek for ways to cure my corrupt and wandering heart.  But with everything I turn towards to fill me, I am left with only more emptiness and longing and despair.  What am I looking for?  Why is it not being satisfied?  And then I remember:  I have not opened up God's Word recently.  I believe Jesus Christ meant what He said we are to seek the secret place and close the door.  And this is what I have failed to do: I have failed to take time to be alone with God, to love Him, to plead with Him, to worship Him, to wrestle with Him, to rest in Him.  


I don't want to crawl through life cursing the darkness when Christ is standing right before me, shining brightly!  In my pride, it's easy to look back over my past failings (this week especially) and become overwhelmed by regret and frustration at my painful inadequacies.  I am humbled by my weaknesses and my seemingly constant tendency to turn towards the idol of self-reliance, But I don't have to flounder in my mistakes, because Christ weaves both the good and the bad of my life into His ultimate plan.  I want to stop running and striving, for while the constant go-go-go gives the illusion of progress, it only leaves me more empty and in greater need of Someone outside of myself.  In the words of Augustine, "God has made us for Himself and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Him."  And God offers exactly that: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:28-29 ESV).  I know that God is my only sure support, and without Him I will continue down this path of emptiness and despair.  I need to re-focus and put first things first (that first thing, in this case, being my time with the Lord).  My prayer is that through that precious time, I will come once again to delight in God, and that from that delight will overflow the desire and freedom to pour out myself for His sake.  He alone is the great fountain of Life, and His grace alone can fill me daily.  

Video: Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus

The Call to Christian Accountability

As Christians, we are not meant to live out our faith alone.  Rather, God has created us for fellowship with others in the Christian community.  We may see this in Hebrews 12: 24-25, where we read: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” A major aspect of Christian community is accountability.  Most people, however, cringe at the thought of accountability.  Why?  There are numerous reasons for this, but to begin we must first understand what accountability is. 

As Christians, we need to realize that we are responsible and answerable for the manner in which we live our lives.  Ultimately, we are answerable to God, yet we are also answerable to fellow brothers and sisters whom God has placed in our lives.  Accountability, then, is the means by which we are answerable to one another, whereby we receive both encouragement and reproof, when needed.  Unfortunately, many relationships in life are superficial, and so accountability provides a way for us to share the deep inner workings of our lives in a mutual atmosphere of trust.  God has created us for Himself, and through accountability we are able to open up and be challenged in the varying aspects of our lives, all of which lead to character growth and maturity.  Accountability is undoubtedly one of the many tools God uses to sanctify His children. 

Because accountability calls us to be open and vulnerable, however, it comes as no surprise that many are adverse to it. In fact, before I had experienced the grace of an accountability relationship, I hid from it in fear, seeing is as an assault upon my lifestyle and plans.  Like many others, I did not want to hear my failures or become tied up in bringing them to the forefront of my attention.  I convinced myself that I could do well enough without the time-commitment and hassle of accountability.  Now having been in a relationship of accountability, however, I know that accountability is far more than confrontation (though at times we may need to be confronted or confront others).  Rather, accountability is more about challenging one another to grow in Christ’s likeness.  This accountability is essential for Christians to grow and produce Godly character and fruit.  In fact, I think it is safe to say that real growth cannot occur without it.  We must allow our human pride to yield to the need for accountability—we are not self-sufficient, and it is time we stop believing the world’s lie that we are. 

Another misunderstanding surrounding accountability is that it is reserved for those who are “weak” or “needy”, designed primarily to help along those who are struggling.   While this is true in that we are all weak and needy in sin, accountability is far more than this, for it is just as much for those who are strong and want to become stronger!  Sadly, the common belief is that accountability is not something that “real” women do, and especially not “real” men.  This is a lie from the pit, one meant to keep us in our present, self-dependent state!  No, “real” men (and women) pursue Christian accountability with other godly men and women.  And so, though accountability may not be what we would desire on our own, Christians nevertheless need to actively pursue it, humbling ourselves to the point of recognizing our weaknesses and our need to be held responsible.

And so, despite the dangerous misunderstanding that accountability is a system based on domination, manipulation, and the invasion of privacy, accountability is something far more beautiful.  Like sheep that are prone to wander, we too go astray, and so God provides us with Christians brothers and sisters to teach, exhort, support, and encourage us in our faith and hold us accountable to Him.  Accountability is where we develop relationships with fellow Christians to help drive us to a place where we are real, honest, and obedient to God.  Such relationships challenge us in our walk, and by allowing others to speak into our lives we allow the Holy Spirit and the truth of God’s Word to penetrate out lives through both inward spiritual conviction and faith.