What Love

I am continually amazed by God’s particular love for His children.  Just the other week, my younger sister, Ingrid, shared in youth group an upcoming event she wanted prayer for.  As she shared her particular struggles and concerns with her small group, they prayed that God would protect Ingrid both spiritualy and emotionally.

The following day—the day this particular event was to take place—my sister was at school.  For her, it seemed like any other normal day in the life of a high school freshman, but that was soon to change. Excusing herself from one of her classes to use the restroom, Ingrid saw a flyer on the bathroom mirror with tear-off tabs.   Curious, she approached the flyer to notice it read, “Take what you need.”  There was one tab left: Protection. 

Ripping off the tab and flipping it over, she read the Bible verse written on the back, "God you are my hiding place, you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance" Psalm 32:7. 

What a coincidence!  How wonderful that Ingrid was in the right place at the right time. At least, that's what many could and probably would say.  And yet, consider the incredible detail in the events that unfolded:  To begin, Ingrid was led to share a concern and struggle with her small group at church, something which led them to pray a very specific prayer of protection for her.  Then, the following day, of all the possible bathrooms Ingrid could have gone into at a giant high school, she happened to enter this particular one.  Also, at a public high school like Minnetonka, faith matters—while maybe not actively discouraged—certainly aren't encouraged.  And yet, despite this, some female student felt led to place a flyer with encouraging Bible verses in one of the bathrooms, a flyer with only one tab remaining: Protection. Coincidence or providence?

I don't believe what happened last week was coincidence, and neither does Ingrid.  Honestly, I believe coincidence, chance, luck and other such words are simply worldly terms for providence. In Christian circles, providence is a term that gets thrown around a lot.  Yet what is it and what does it mean? In a current book study on Trusting God by Jerry Bridges, I am learning that providence is "God's constant care for and His absolute rule over all His creation for His own glory and the good of His people." And so, to recognize God's providence is to realize that not only is He sovereign over all things, but He actively guides and directs all things in accordance with His ultimate purpose: our good and His glory.  

And yet, God's sovereignty is not always apparent.  In fact, it often isn't.  Take the stories of Ruth and Esther, for example.  In Ruth’s case, we read, “So she set forth and went and gleaned in the field after the reapers; and she happened to come to the part of the field belonging to Boaz, who was of the family of Elimelech. And behold, Boaz came from Bethlehem…”(Ruth 2:3-4a).  Basically, no one told Ruth to glean from  Boaz’s field, yet his was the field she came upon by happenchance.  And who just happened to return home while Ruth was gleaning in the field? None other than the master of the house himself: Boaz.  Talk about perfect timing.  What is more, we read later in the chapter that Ruth found favor with Boaz.  Why?  Did she just happen to be in the right place at the right time?  Or was something or Someone greater at work?

Esther’s case is another prime example of the unseen hand of God. Throughout the entire book, God remains hidden behind the scenes—He doesn’t speak, He doesn’t send angels to rescue His people nor does He send a prophet.  There are no miracles in this book, nothing supernatural.  And so, in many respects, Esther appears to be a Godless book.  And yet, all of the events that transpire in the book of Esther scream of God’s love, power, goodness, grace, justice, and faithfulness.  As Mordecai himself says to Esther, “And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14b). For those familiar with the story of Esther, you know how it ends. But how is this so?  As pastor Mark Driscoll states, “God works in Esther not through His visible hand of miracle, but through His invisible hand of providence.”   

And yet, despite His seeming invisibility, I am becoming increasingly aware of the ways in which God makes Himself known in so many intimate, personal ways.  It's amazing that God cares so deeply for His children that He shows His love so specifically.  What kindness!  The other week, God showed His specific love for Ingrid on the mirror in one of her high school bathrooms.  When I reflect on my own life, I am astounded by the countless ways in which God has shown me that same, specific love.  Personally, I know that so often I resign myself to "facts" about God... His goodness, sovereignty, power, love, etc. And these truths are incredibly important, yet in order to have a deeper, more personal relationship with my Lord and Savior, I cannot rely solely on facts.  To have this, I must come to see Him in the midst of my personal pain and rejoicing, struggles and triumphs—I see His providence in the details of my life, and through this, grow in my trust of Him.  As someone just said to me recently, "You can't have a real relationship without trust.  If you don't have trust, there's no relationship."  Such a simple statement, yet so true.  And this is why I believe God is so specific in His love towards us—He wants us to trust Him, to rely solely on Him and to have faith in His power and goodness.   He can't help but overflow in abundant lovingkindness towards us, a love which, in turn, can't help but win our trust.  I am in awe of this—that my Father, the God of the universe, loves me that deeply, right now. What love, great love.  

From Fear and Despair to Hope and Praise

My last semester at Hillsdale College has finally arrived.  I haven’t even been here a week and God is already teaching me so many important lessons.  Before I go on though I need to backtrack a few steps…

Arriving in Hillsdale last week, I was surprised and a bit startled by my response.  I guess I expected an overwhelming sense of excitement or eager anticipation at finally being a last-semester senior.  To put it simply, there were no such feelings of warmth or enthusiasm.  Rather, as I neared and finally entered “the Dale”, I was instead abruptly met with an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety.  These feelings were so powerful I almost wanted to forget graduating and turn high-tail and run.  What on earth was going on?  Everyone kept telling me this is such an exciting time of life.  Exciting, huh?  Not exactly the word I would have chosen.  I felt almost crippled at the mere thought of trying to figure out life after Hillsdale.  I mean, sure, God had certainly been leading me and placing things on my heart, but I didn’t know exaaaactly what the next few months would hold.  Being a planner and somewhat of control-freak, this was terrifying.  And not only was it terrifying, it was frustrating as well!  Why wasn’t God directing me more clearly?  Couldn’t He see that I desperately wanted to do His will, and things would be a whole lot easier if He just made that will clear?  Surely I had been seeking Him fervently, so what was this cold silence? Was He deliberately trying to keep me in the dark?  How come everyone else seemed to be figuring out life?  Things were going just dandy for them.  Did I miss something?    

Yes, these were the thoughts and questions running through my head.  I confess I actually wallowed in my self-pity and despair for several days.  In fact, it wasn’t until another frustrating day of self-abashing and wrestling with God that I encountered something that stopped me dead in my tracks and brought me to my knees.  That thing was a sermon by my pastor back home (RW Glenn) on the tragedy and triumph of Jesus through the lens of Psalm 22.  

My pastor’s sermon brought me back to facing the reality of all that God has graciously done for me.  Why had I been so despairing these past days?  It was because I was focusing on all the ways in which God appeared to be turning His back on me.  And by allowing my mind and heart to dwell on His seeming callousness, I had completely forgotten the countless times God had come to my aid and rescued me.  I had failed once again to remember God’s proven faithfulness.

But why is it so important that we remember our Lord’s steadfastness?  It is because it offers us hope and a heart of praise and worship like nothing else can.  When I take the time to truly remember all that my God has done for me, I am both humbled and amazed.  And yet how quickly I forget and how swiftly my praise turns to fear and doubt as I question God’s goodness and intentions!  I am deeply convicted when I read Hebrews 3 which warns against an “evil, unbelieving heart” which causes one to “fall away from the living God.”  I do not want to be like the Israelites who repeatedly saw God’s mighty hand and yet time after time hardened their hearts and put Him to the test!  Oh Father, forgive me.

Psalm 22 and my pastor’s sermon offer me much hope as I am reminded of the confidence I have in Christ, for Jesus came down in the greatest rescue-mission ever and suffered the greatest tragedy on the cross so that I would never have to!  As I read Isaiah 53, I am hit with the reality of all Christ submitted Himself to on my behalf—abandonment, wrath, and even death!  In this life we will have trials, but these trials are the means by which God raises His children from tragedy to triumph.  As my pastor said, God often allows us to “[touch] the darkness before tasting the light.”  Yes we have the promise of Romans 8:28, but the more we have to wrestle and struggle, the sweeter that promise will be and the harder we will cling to it.

God has been so good to bring me this great reminder of all He has saved me from.   In fact, this remembrance of all He has done has completely changed my heart from one of fear and despair to one of hope and praise.  My Father has been so near and I know that right now, I am exactly where He wants me, and that is no better place to be.  And even more so, I am confident that God will lead me as I continue to seek His will on life after Hillsdale.  Yes, I still have questions regarding what life after December and post-Hillsdale will look like, but I’m so eager to see God’s hand as He leads and guides me in accordance with His will.  In fact, I not only feel content with where the Lord has me, I feel excited.  Right now my prayer is that I will slowly surrender my need to control and have the faith to wait on the Lord’s perfect timing.  And until His will is made known to me, I want to earnestly seek Him, pray constantly, wait patiently, and step forward each day in joyful praise and trust.      

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:14-16 ESV)

Click HERE to listen to "Psalm 22: When Heaven Goes Silent"

Self-Discovery

A.W. Tozer’s Rules for Self-Discovery:

1. What we want most

2. What we think about most

3. How we use our money

4. What we do with our leisure time

5. The company we enjoy

6. Who and what we admire

7. What we laugh at

As I search my heart for the answers to these questions, I am not pleased by all that I find.  Talk about convicting. These are seemingly simple and trivial questions, and yet the answers they produce offer much greater insight into the deeper and darker state of my heart and soul.  As I examine my heart and seek to apply these questions to my own life, know that my sins and struggles listed here are by no means exhaustive.  In fact, all I have written here is only the tip of the iceberg.    

1. What do I want most?  I am a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and one of my greatest sin struggles is craving and idolizing the acceptance and approval of those around me.  I’m a goal-setter and a go-getter, and I foolishly pride myself in my self-sufficiency.  I seek the praise and meager comforts offered by man above abiding in the pleasure of my Heavenly Father.  As a Christian, I know that Christ is my beginning, middle and end, and as I look forward my prayer is that Jesus will by my Omega-point.  By this, I mean that I want His glory and my deep pleasure in Him to be my ultimate goal.  We all have an omega point, some of us may even have several omega points.  The question is, who or what is mine?  Is Christ the ultimate end, or simply the means to my own happy ending?  Am I living for an omega-point, or the one and only Omega-point?   

2. What do I think about most?  I’m a planner, and when the bubble upon which I build my illusion of control is suddenly popped, I become anxious.  Freak-out sessions and an ensuing sense of panic have been known to occur.  So what do I think about most?  Am I bringing glory to God in my heavily detailed and future-oriented thought life, or am I still stuck trying to figure out life in my own strength? I realize how desperately I need to relinquish this battle for control by surrendering my mind to Christ and taking every thought captive to Him!  Oh God, break my of my illusion of control and remind me that You are the only reason for my hope! 

3. How do I use my money?  Am I using my money to magnify God and further His kingdom, or does it find its greatest use in servicing my own self-centered wants and whims? Where is my treasure, and where is my heart? Luke 12:3 makes it clear that wherever my treasure is, there will my heart be also.  Do I treasure Christ or ultimately my possessions? Am I living for this world or the next?  Do I bring my offering forth begrudgingly or as an act of worship?  The answer makes all the difference.             

4. What do I do with my leisure time?  First off, do I even allow myself leisure time without giving into feelings of guilt and inadequacy?  As I stated earlier, I’m a people-pleaser and therefore a perfectionist and a performer.  Therefore, when I’m not performing, I sometimes allow myself to be taken captive by the lie that I am somehow failing and unworthy.  Leisure, as God designed it, is a beautiful thing.  It is an invitation to deeper fellowship and communion with Him and other believers, a time when we are invited fully into His presence without the worry and stress of always doing and performing. And yet, do I trust God enough to seek His presence fully in this manner? In college, I have made it my goal to make Sundays a complete day of rest.  This has been surprisingly difficult and indeed a bigger challenge than I originally anticipated.  What I’ve realized is this: if Sunday is indeed to be a day of rest, than it requires extra time and effort and diligence during the rest of the week. Regardless of my performance, however, I am commanded to rest.  God is glorified when I allow myself to seek the pleasure of His presence by surrendering up my hectic schedule and “to do” list to Him.  I am realizing quickly that to not seek His presence and the fellowship of other believers is actually a result of pride, pride which stems from my need to feel adequate and self-sufficient.  The glorious reality, however, is that I am not self-sufficient, and this is not a curse but rather a blessing, a blessing meant to drive me into deeper communion and community as I realize my deep need for Christ and others.  My prayer is that I will come to find peace in the silence.  May I never fear the stillness, but rather rejoice in the quite resting place my Lord tenderly invites me into!

5. Whose company to I enjoy?  I want to take this in a slightly different direction and ask myself instead, whose company do I intentionally seek out? I confess I don’t enjoy being called out and being held accountable isn’t exactly fun, so those relationships are ones I tend to avoid.  It all boils down to a fear of man which is ultimately rooted in pride (wow, sensing a theme yet?).  And yet, this is exactly the sort of company I need.  I need fellowship with those who will help draw me into deeper community with fellow believers and more intimate communion with Christ.  I confess I also tend to exchange the intimacy I am granted in Christ for the promise of more “tangible” human relationships. I know that Christ is the answer to all my deepest yearnings, but if He were all I truly had, would I still find my joy and satisfaction in Him?  Do I delight in His presence, or is His presence simply a mandated chore?  My prayer is that community with others and communion with Christ will not just be a duty, but a true delight to my soul.

6. Who and what do I admire?  Do I admire and adore Christ, or am I filled with adoration towards those idols I have erected in my own heart?  In my spiritual pride, I confess I am most guilty of self-adoration! What a lie I have believed.  In my sin I allow myself to become disillusioned to my own desperate and needy state.  My prayer is that God will break me of my spiritual pride and bring me humbly to my knees before Him.  Though I am bought and set free by the blood of Christ, may I never forget my sin-soiled state!

7. What do I laugh at? I found this last question quite puzzling at first, and yet I believe there is a lot of truth in the fact that you can often tell an individual's character by the things he or she laughs at and finds humorous.  As I look at my own heart, I must ask myself this: Do I find pleasure in God’s good glory and the amazing works of His hand, or do I seek to elevate myself by mocking and gossiping about others?  I know I’m not believing the Gospel when I put others down in order to make me feel better about myself!

I am so glad I came upon Tozer’s list.  It was much needed.  As Christians, I believe we have a responsibility to examine our hearts and lives and ask the tough questions.  Personally, I confess that diving deep into these issues can be intimidating out of fear of what I may find hidden away within the dark recesses of my heart.  But I do know this, whatever I find, I serve and worship the great God Almightly who is wholeheartedly committed to my sanctification, and nothing I find is too great for Him to overcome!