From Fear and Despair to Hope and Praise

My last semester at Hillsdale College has finally arrived.  I haven’t even been here a week and God is already teaching me so many important lessons.  Before I go on though I need to backtrack a few steps…

Arriving in Hillsdale last week, I was surprised and a bit startled by my response.  I guess I expected an overwhelming sense of excitement or eager anticipation at finally being a last-semester senior.  To put it simply, there were no such feelings of warmth or enthusiasm.  Rather, as I neared and finally entered “the Dale”, I was instead abruptly met with an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety.  These feelings were so powerful I almost wanted to forget graduating and turn high-tail and run.  What on earth was going on?  Everyone kept telling me this is such an exciting time of life.  Exciting, huh?  Not exactly the word I would have chosen.  I felt almost crippled at the mere thought of trying to figure out life after Hillsdale.  I mean, sure, God had certainly been leading me and placing things on my heart, but I didn’t know exaaaactly what the next few months would hold.  Being a planner and somewhat of control-freak, this was terrifying.  And not only was it terrifying, it was frustrating as well!  Why wasn’t God directing me more clearly?  Couldn’t He see that I desperately wanted to do His will, and things would be a whole lot easier if He just made that will clear?  Surely I had been seeking Him fervently, so what was this cold silence? Was He deliberately trying to keep me in the dark?  How come everyone else seemed to be figuring out life?  Things were going just dandy for them.  Did I miss something?    

Yes, these were the thoughts and questions running through my head.  I confess I actually wallowed in my self-pity and despair for several days.  In fact, it wasn’t until another frustrating day of self-abashing and wrestling with God that I encountered something that stopped me dead in my tracks and brought me to my knees.  That thing was a sermon by my pastor back home (RW Glenn) on the tragedy and triumph of Jesus through the lens of Psalm 22.  

My pastor’s sermon brought me back to facing the reality of all that God has graciously done for me.  Why had I been so despairing these past days?  It was because I was focusing on all the ways in which God appeared to be turning His back on me.  And by allowing my mind and heart to dwell on His seeming callousness, I had completely forgotten the countless times God had come to my aid and rescued me.  I had failed once again to remember God’s proven faithfulness.

But why is it so important that we remember our Lord’s steadfastness?  It is because it offers us hope and a heart of praise and worship like nothing else can.  When I take the time to truly remember all that my God has done for me, I am both humbled and amazed.  And yet how quickly I forget and how swiftly my praise turns to fear and doubt as I question God’s goodness and intentions!  I am deeply convicted when I read Hebrews 3 which warns against an “evil, unbelieving heart” which causes one to “fall away from the living God.”  I do not want to be like the Israelites who repeatedly saw God’s mighty hand and yet time after time hardened their hearts and put Him to the test!  Oh Father, forgive me.

Psalm 22 and my pastor’s sermon offer me much hope as I am reminded of the confidence I have in Christ, for Jesus came down in the greatest rescue-mission ever and suffered the greatest tragedy on the cross so that I would never have to!  As I read Isaiah 53, I am hit with the reality of all Christ submitted Himself to on my behalf—abandonment, wrath, and even death!  In this life we will have trials, but these trials are the means by which God raises His children from tragedy to triumph.  As my pastor said, God often allows us to “[touch] the darkness before tasting the light.”  Yes we have the promise of Romans 8:28, but the more we have to wrestle and struggle, the sweeter that promise will be and the harder we will cling to it.

God has been so good to bring me this great reminder of all He has saved me from.   In fact, this remembrance of all He has done has completely changed my heart from one of fear and despair to one of hope and praise.  My Father has been so near and I know that right now, I am exactly where He wants me, and that is no better place to be.  And even more so, I am confident that God will lead me as I continue to seek His will on life after Hillsdale.  Yes, I still have questions regarding what life after December and post-Hillsdale will look like, but I’m so eager to see God’s hand as He leads and guides me in accordance with His will.  In fact, I not only feel content with where the Lord has me, I feel excited.  Right now my prayer is that I will slowly surrender my need to control and have the faith to wait on the Lord’s perfect timing.  And until His will is made known to me, I want to earnestly seek Him, pray constantly, wait patiently, and step forward each day in joyful praise and trust.      

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:14-16 ESV)

Click HERE to listen to "Psalm 22: When Heaven Goes Silent"