“O God, I
have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for
more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my
lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled
with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray
Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within
me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me
grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered
so long.” ― A.W. Tozer
Well, it finally
happened. Stubborn and strong-willed
Sara Seeland has come to the end of herself. I’m hopeless and helpless to save myself. It’s
been a difficult day. A difficult
week. In fact, I admit it’s been an
incredibly difficult summer. In spite of
all the things God has taught me, I’m exhausted of still trying to “do life” in
my own strength. I am drowning in my
self-sufficiency. The reality of the situation
is that in my recent flounderings to remain strong and independent, I have
actually become increasingly needy. Needy
for Something and Someone.
While I believe firmly that
God uses these barren times of frustration and loneliness to invite us into
deeper communion with Him, I have not accepted that invitation. Rather, I have forsaken this incredibly
opportunity to immerse myself in the gospel and have instead pursued
fulfillment in those things which cannot ultimately satisfy. Take relationships,
for example. As beings designed after
God’s own image, we are created for community with other beings. This community, however, should not come at
the expense of deep and intimate communion with God. This summer, however, I have sacrificed that
communion for community—I have turned towards others to fill that which only
God can supply, and when they fail to satisfy this deep need I have within, I
isolate myself in frustration and despair.
I am deeply convicted by
his sermon, “The First Dark Exchange: Idolatry”, in which John Piper preaches
on Romans 1:21-23. This passage reads, “For even though they knew God, they did
not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their
speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they
became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in
the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling
creatures.” I am ashamed to admit I have absolutely
suppressed the Holy Spirit’s promptings within me. Instead, I have pursed the “pitiful
substitutes” that Piper describes in his sermon, and as he himself states, “That is the fundamental problem with
the human race. We do not acknowledge, value, treasure, savor, honor, or make
much of the greatest value in the universe, the glory of God. That is our
wickedness and our disease and our great mutiny against God.” Piper argues, “The
created universe is all about glory. The
deepest longing of the human heart and the deepest meaning of heaven and earth
are summed up in this: the glory of God…The universe was made to show it, and we
were made to see it and savor it. Which
is why the world is so disordered and as dysfunctional as it is. We have exchanged the glory of God for other
things.” I am indeed guilty of this
“dark exchange”, in the midst of which my speculations have become futile, my
heart has darkened, and my own perceived wisdom has masked the true foolishness
of my exchange.
Christ is indeed the answer
to the psalmist’s question, “Whom have I
in heaven but you?” (Psalm 73:25), and yet I have failed—refused, in fact—to embrace this reality. I am so thankful,
however, that God has not left me to myself.
Despite forsaking Him and running headlong into self-destruction, Christ
has chased after me and assumed the cost of my deliberate sins upon
Himself. His radical sacrifice is beyond
my understanding, and yet I do know this:
I have reached the end of myself, and now it is He I must finally turn
towards to save me from my Hell-bound race.
But I feel cold and distant, and I am ashamed of my meager, half-hearted
attempts to return once again to His side.
And so my prayer, like Tozer, is this: “O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and
made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.
I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee;
I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show
me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new
work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come
away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland
where I have wandered so long.” May
I once again experience the sweet communion that comes only from fellowship
with God, and may He humble me through this such that I am evermore reminded
that He alone is the one true treasure that my heart and soul yearn
for.
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