Lists: Your Plans or God's?

He must not only know what he believes, he must know why he believes the things that he believes.  He's gotta be good with kids.  Hardworking, honest, humble, and handsome: those are a must.  He's gotta be articulate and athletic.  If he's older and successful, that's a plus.  Oh, and tall too.  I'm almost 5'10", so I gotta be able to wear my heels and not dwarf him! He has to fit in perfectly with my life: if he truly loves me, he won't ask me to change.   He can't be a nut.  No wacky ex-girlfriends. He’s gotta love the Lord.  Oh, and did I mention he has to be handsome?  We’re talkin’ a 9 or a 10 here folks.  And together we’re gonna make smart, tall, beautiful, athletic and talented babies.  Lots of ‘em.     

How's that for a list?  Sound familiar? I mean, when it comes to a spouse, don't we deserve nothing less than the best?  If I believe God has great plans for me, isn't my list at least somewhat justified?  Well at minimum, people always say it's good to know what you want, right?  

Maybe.  Maybe not.  Herein lies my problem with the “list mentality”, and it arises after examining Proverbs 16.  Let’s look at a few verses:

Verse  1: "The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.”  That seems pretty clear to me: I can plan and daydream all I want, but in the end it is the Lord, the One with true authority, who wills and brings forth HIS plan.  Yes, HIS plan.  Not mine!  He is the Author of all things, the great playwright.  He has the final say on this stage we call life.  Maybe His answer is “Yes”, maybe “No”.  Or possibly, “Not now, dear child.”  But I do know this, whatever His answer, it is right and good because it is in accordance with His good will.  And so I trust that He has a beautiful plan beyond what I can even imagine!

Verse 2: “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the spirit.” Each one of us is self- biased.  Just spend some time around any normal human being and that will become quite evident. Oh you came up with that idea?  You’re an idiot.  But if I came up with that idea, well now, that’s another story.  I’m brilliant.  Possibly even the greatest thing since the invention of the toothbrush (or SPAM).  Take you’re pick.   Well, not really, but I think you get my point.  Too often we cannot see past ourselves.  We think our ideas and our lives are great.  We think we’re great.  What’s most scary about this is that often these thoughts and ideas about ourselves are not even conscious!  We are so wrapped up in ourselves and we can’t even see it! So when the Lord weighs my spirit, what will He find?  Will He find me searching high and low for the perfect spouse to fit my perfect little world?  A spouse who can fulfill all of my wants and needs?  Or will He find me humbly surrendering up my love life (or lack of it!) to Him?  Am I seeking a spouse for my own glory or for His?  Am I seeking to pursue my “pure” ways, or His pure ways? The answer makes all the difference.    

Verse 4a: “The LORD has made everything for its purpose.”  Everything?  Yes, everything.  “Whoa!”, you say, “that’s a lot of things!”   Indeed it is!  I find it amazing that all things and all human beings possess a unique, God-give purpose.  And furthermore, God equips us to fulfill our purposes when we are pursuing and seeking after Him!  While I would certainly like to be married some day, I know that as long as I keep running after the Lord, He is going to give me the tools I need to fulfill all He has called me to.  Maybe somewhere in there He’ll include a husband.  Maybe not.  Either way, however, I will not be lacking, because in Him I have EVERYTHING!  Once again, am I pursuing God’s purpose for my life, or am I trying to force my own self-determined purpose on Him?          

Verse 5:  “Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the LORD; be assured, he will not go unpunished.”  An abomination to the Lord?  That’s a pretty serious statement!  But I believe there is a lot of truth in this, especially when it comes to relationships and dating.  I think the “list mentality” can be a sign of arrogance because it portrays the message that “I know best.  In fact, because I know best, and this is what I think I need, by golly I’m gonna get it!”  I think it can be  both presumptuous and prideful. But let’s take a step back.  Take me, for example.  Yes, I have ideas of what qualities a godly man should possess.  And while I don’t necessarily always hope for the “tall, dark and handsome” type, I confess there are certain traits I find more attractive in men. This seems innocent, but looking back at this verse, is it really arrogant? I think it all comes down to the heart.  Who am I trusting in?  Myself or the One who is bigger than me? Personally, I know this: God is bigger than any of my lists!  As my Creator and Father, He knows me intimately, and He knows me better than I even know myself.  In fact, because He knows me better than I even know myself, He also knows what I need more thoroughly than I myself know! And that even includes the type of man I Lord-willing marry someday!  I believe wholeheartedly that God has something glorious in store for me.  Whether that is a life of singleness or marriage, I do not know.  And yet I do know this: whatever God has in store, He will make it clear and He will equip me for it.  And furthermore, I will be incredibly grateful in the end because whatever He brings me, it will be way beyond anything I could ever dare ask or imagine.   To draw from Tim Keller, “[…my] mind is not open enough or frankly smart enough to know what [I] spiritually need.”  God is bigger than our lists.  I know this because countless times I have seen Him turn such lists completely upside-down!  God gives us what we need, not what we want!  And to demand our near-sighted desires be met and blessed by Him is both arrogance and foolishness!      

Verse 9: “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” You mean I don't have the final say?  No.  You can plan all you want, but God always has the last word.   Once again, this is another affirmation that God is bigger than our lists!   

Verse 25: "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death."  Death?  Whoa, that's pretty serious! Many of you are probably wondering if death in this context is meant literally or figuratively.  I would argue both.  I think a family friend stated it very well when she said, "Dream your dreams, but if God isn't in them they'll soon become your worst nightmares."  Nightmares which will manifest themselves in physical, emotional, and spiritual death.  Yes, I hope to be married someday.  Indeed, very much so.  But I only want this if it is indeed what the Lord has for me.  If it is not in His plan, I want no part in it. I’d rather be in God’s will and single than pursuing my own will and married.  If I determine for myself that I will be married, and I pursue that apart from God’s will, I have no doubt that it will be disastrous.  I mean, how more disastrous than death can it get? It can’t! 

As I wrap up, I want to look at The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer.  He writes, "There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life. Because it is natural, it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is. But its outworkings are tragic. We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. That is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fear. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed."  What are these "things" we cling to?  Well, it can most definitely be those treasures and relationships which are tangible.  But I also believe these "things" we cling to can just as much be ideas.  In the world of dating and relationships, especially prospective relationships, these ideas and images can manifest themselves in lists, either physical or mental.  The problem is, these notions are often constructed out of our own selfish and sometimes misguided yearnings.  

And so I close with this: like John Newton, I want my joyful prayer to be, "Lord, what you will, when you will, how you will."  If it is the Lord's will that I be blessed enough to be married some day, I am trusting that He will bring that man into my life in His good timing.  And I am trusting that He will do that apart from, and in spite of, my meek lists.  Until then, I have the duty of singleness, and I want to be used by my Lord and Savior where He has me now—and that is as a single college student.  I don’t want to waste this precious time away yearning for something that might not even be in the Lord’s plan for me.   Instead of focusing on lists and daydreaming about my future spouse, I want to pour my time and energy into accomplishing all that God has for me and day by day, growing more and more into a woman after His own heart.  Lord, what you will, when you will, how you will.  Amen.

**Note:  For those of you concerned folks out there, that list at the beginning is not Sara Seeland’s “What I Want in a Husband” list.  It was rather a compilation and exaggeration of lists I have seen over the past.  Please forgive the ridiculous sarcasm as I sought to re-create snippets from those lists.