Completely Done

Burnt Out

Tired.  Burnt out.  Exhausted. Drained.  This is exactly how I feel right now.  So much has happened over the past few weeks, and the past few days especially, that I feel I've hardly had time to breathe.  Mom got married last Friday.  Zach left for Marine boot camp Sunday evening.  I'm busy working long days as a nanny for a family with seven kids.  Actually, as of Monday, make that eight kids.  On top of these things, I still haven't fully unpacked and organized from college.  I have boxes of things from Papua New Guinea I've been meaning to go through but haven't gotten to yet.  All the necessary details for graduating from Hillsdale this Fall still need to be worked out.  I haven't researched grad schools.  The laundry in my room is accumulating into a small mountain.  My room likes like a small  bomb went off.  Or a very large one, depending on your level of "tidy tolerance".      


Routine is currently non-existant in my life, and I hate it.  I find I thrive under stricter schedules, for the demands of a heavy and rigid schedule require that I be dedicated and maintain a higher level of self-discipline.  This goes for all areas--my private worship, eating, working out, cleaning, relationships, etc.  And although my schedule is currently jam-packed, there is no rhyme or reason to it.  Each day is different, and I feel as though I'm barely able to keep my head above water.  I'm going through the motions of the day-to-day tasks I once loved, but I find that my heart does not respond the way it once did.  I hate how sharp my words have become, and how dull, proud, and at times, downright mean I can be towards others.  Everything feels lifeless.  I feel lifeless.

In my self-despair, I abhor my body of death, and I seek for ways to cure my corrupt and wandering heart.  But with everything I turn towards to fill me, I am left with only more emptiness and longing and despair.  What am I looking for?  Why is it not being satisfied?  And then I remember:  I have not opened up God's Word recently.  I believe Jesus Christ meant what He said we are to seek the secret place and close the door.  And this is what I have failed to do: I have failed to take time to be alone with God, to love Him, to plead with Him, to worship Him, to wrestle with Him, to rest in Him.  


I don't want to crawl through life cursing the darkness when Christ is standing right before me, shining brightly!  In my pride, it's easy to look back over my past failings (this week especially) and become overwhelmed by regret and frustration at my painful inadequacies.  I am humbled by my weaknesses and my seemingly constant tendency to turn towards the idol of self-reliance, But I don't have to flounder in my mistakes, because Christ weaves both the good and the bad of my life into His ultimate plan.  I want to stop running and striving, for while the constant go-go-go gives the illusion of progress, it only leaves me more empty and in greater need of Someone outside of myself.  In the words of Augustine, "God has made us for Himself and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Him."  And God offers exactly that: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:28-29 ESV).  I know that God is my only sure support, and without Him I will continue down this path of emptiness and despair.  I need to re-focus and put first things first (that first thing, in this case, being my time with the Lord).  My prayer is that through that precious time, I will come once again to delight in God, and that from that delight will overflow the desire and freedom to pour out myself for His sake.  He alone is the great fountain of Life, and His grace alone can fill me daily.  

United States Marine Corps: Letting Go and Letting God

Today has been such a bittersweet day.  Now a young man, my not-so-little brother left for Marine boot camp.  Last night, the entire family came over to say their goodbyes and spend time in prayer with Zach.  As my teary-eyed family sat gathered in the living room and passed around the Kleenex box, I was overwhelmed by the love and care within our family.  I truly do not know any other family where cousins are best friends and aunts and uncles are seen as second parents.  

As we each went around and lifted Zach up to the Lord in prayer, I was overcome with an incredible sense of awe and peace at God's mercy upon our family.  Yes, we will all miss Zach terribly.  Yes, I selfishly want to keep Zach here away from screaming drill sergeants.  Yes, for my own peace of mind I want him to stay close to home.  Yes, I want the freedom to know that he is only a phone call away.  These are all things that I feel as Zach's sister.  And yet, I along with everyone else in the family can send Zach off in the confidence that he is in the Lord's hands.

Zach has always been my little brother, my goofy sidekick, my protector, my friend.  I guess there is a part of me that fears this will change--that somehow all this will cease now that he is becoming a Marine.  And yet, in spite of it all, I take comfort in knowing that the Lord has so clearly led Zach to the Marines.  This is the Lord's will for Zach, and Zach has honored Him in pursuing it.   God has granted Zach the unique gifts and the passion to make him suited for the Marines, and because the Lord has called him there, the Marines are the safest place for Zach to be.  Not here.  Not close to home and near family, but in the Marines, in the will of the Lord.

While it is difficult to accept that the Lord has called Zach away, there is also something exciting in this, for whenever and wherever the Lord calls someone, He is faithful to equip and sustain them.  I am learning that we are not called because we are somehow able or adequate for the given job, but rather God makes us able because He has called us to a particular job.   And I trust that the Lord will be faithful to equip Zach for all He has for him in the Marines!

As I’ve been thinking throughout the day, I believe one may find many parallels between Marine boot camp and the Christian walk.   Here are a few:

In boot camp, Zach will be treated harshly and the instructions he receives are meant to cause him to abandon his old habits.  Likewise, a call to faith is a call to cast off our old selves.  To become Christlike, we must abandon our sinful and base fleshly desires and die to ourselves.  And like bootcamp, this is no easy task.  We are not able to change in and of ourselves.  Rather, we need someone outside of ourselves to enter into our lives and take on the tedious task of teaching and training us as to what we are to become.  In bootcamp, this is clearly seen in the overseeing officers and drill sergeants.  In Christianity, I think we see this in two ways.  First, man was so helpless to save himself that it required the death of Christ on the cross and His resurrection from the grave to restore us into a right relationship with our Heavenly Father.  Secondly, while Christ is the ultimate example and authority, He also uses those within His body of followers to raise up and train the younger generations.  My prayer is that the Lord will bring Godly men into Zach’s life, men who can hold Zach accountable by challenging and encourage him in his personal walk with Christ.

Zach will also face all sorts of challenging obstacles in boot camp.  These challenges will be both physical and mental, each uniquely designed to transform him into a Marine.   Just as the challenges of boot camp are specifically designed with some greater end purpose in mind (the making of a Marine), so too does God place particular obstacles and trials in our lives to shape and mold us into Christ-like men and women whose hearts and passion are increasingly for Him and His glory.  God is committed to our sanctification, and because He intimately knows each of our hearts, He knows exactly what fiery trials will consume the dross within our hearts and refine us to Him.   And because He loves us, He will lead us along those paths.  Just like boot camp, He has specifically designed all the trials we encounter to draw us close to Himself and make us more into the glorious beings He intended us to be.

Also, it is not a matter of if Zach will make mistakes during boot camp.  He certainly will.  It is merely a matter of when.  And so, when that time comes and Zach fails during boot camp, he will almost definitely be ridiculed and humiliated into shame by his officers.  But he will stand and take the harsh criticisms, for he knows that in the end, the current hard circumstances are necessary if he wants to leave his boyishness behind and become the Marine he is designed to be.   Likewise, no Christian is perfect, and although we are daily being sanctified, we still bear our sinful natures and will carry this with us until the day we die.  There is one difference, however.  As a Christian, Zach knows not only who he is, but Whose he is.  And because of Who Zach bases his identity on, his self-worth cannot be determined by those around him.  Not by me, not by screaming officers.  Zach is Christ’s, and Christ is his. 

The last parallel is this.  Once Zach graduates from boot camp, he will always be a United States Marine.  In fact, I’ve learned that there is no such thing as an “ex-Marine”.  While Marines are known by their uniforms, they are still set apart and respected as Marines even if their uniform is taken away.  The Marine Corps automatically makes Zach different and set apart from other men.  Others will know him by this. And what is more, Zach will not forget who he now is.  As a United States Marine, Zach will be pushed and trained to become disciplined in both mind and body so as to meet both the physical and mental demands of training and live combat.  All in all, as a Marine, whether in uniform or out, he is expected to demonstrate his identity in both his character and behavior.  But Zach will never be a United States Marine first and foremost.  My prayer is that above all,  even the Marines, Zach will be a man of God.  Zach is a Christian.  And just as he will be known by others as a Marine, my prayer is that this will come second to being known as an upright and dedicated servant and follower of Christ.  All Christians belong to Christ, and therefore Zach belongs to Christ.  May this always be so, and may he never forget WHOSE he is!!

And so, I know that Zach's heart and genuine passion is to serve the Lord and bring glory to Him by reflecting Christ in his life.  In all honesty, the roughness of the Marines scares me, and I feel frightened for Zachary.  But I believe wholeheartedly that the Lord will not abandon Zach, and that for His own great Name's sake He will be faithful to not forsake Zach.  Because I firmly believe that God is faithful to uphold his promises, I am free to joyfully surrender Zach to the Lord's good care.  Yes, it is hard to see him go, but I believe and pray that Zach will be a powerful tool for radiating Christ's glory and bringing others to Christ.  We need strong, committed, noble, humbly confident, Christian men in our armed forces.  Men who are great leaders.  Men who are so committed to their duty and yet so radical in their love and selfless service to others that their fellow servicemen cannot help but be drawn to them and transformed through them.   My prayer is that my little brother will be such a man.  Man of God first.  Marine second. 

Who are you?  And even more importantly, Whose are you?

Quiet Resting Place

Today has just been one of those days.  I woke up feeling anxious and depressed about life, about everything: my brother leaving for the Marines, graduate school, my lack of discipline.  I could go on and on.  At times, everything seems to hit at once and I confess I just want to curl up in a ball and pull the covers up and over my head to block out the attacks.  I know that these are lies hurled from the pit of Hell, and though they are false, I need to guard myself against them.  When I get down I am more vulnerable and susceptible to believing these lies, and so it is here especially that I need to fill my mind with Truth.  I am by no means a poet, but the following is just a little something I wrote to remind myself of Whose I am.  

Quiet Resting Place

It is in Your promises, my Lord, that I rest in this dark hour

I know that You alone are the one I need. 

In Your words are all the fullness of truth and power

And so Your voice alone is the one I heed. 

The ground may quake with force and might

The clouds may darken this very sky I stand under.

On Christ, however, will I keep my sight

I need not fear the rain or the thunder. 

The world and all its lies press in around me,

Threatening to steal the very life and breath within my chest.

I plead that You break these chains and set me free

And bind me to Yourself that I may find whole rest.

I know that agony and distress surely awaits him who does dismiss 

The Person of Christ and His warm embrace. 

I plead that I find in You my haven of delight, and when asked, my reason is this:

In You alone is the promise of a quiet resting place. 

In Jesus I have my consolation, in Him I am safely secured

For those whose hearts are stayed upon Him, His blood has covered and assured.