Self-Discovery

A.W. Tozer’s Rules for Self-Discovery:

1. What we want most

2. What we think about most

3. How we use our money

4. What we do with our leisure time

5. The company we enjoy

6. Who and what we admire

7. What we laugh at

As I search my heart for the answers to these questions, I am not pleased by all that I find.  Talk about convicting. These are seemingly simple and trivial questions, and yet the answers they produce offer much greater insight into the deeper and darker state of my heart and soul.  As I examine my heart and seek to apply these questions to my own life, know that my sins and struggles listed here are by no means exhaustive.  In fact, all I have written here is only the tip of the iceberg.    

1. What do I want most?  I am a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and one of my greatest sin struggles is craving and idolizing the acceptance and approval of those around me.  I’m a goal-setter and a go-getter, and I foolishly pride myself in my self-sufficiency.  I seek the praise and meager comforts offered by man above abiding in the pleasure of my Heavenly Father.  As a Christian, I know that Christ is my beginning, middle and end, and as I look forward my prayer is that Jesus will by my Omega-point.  By this, I mean that I want His glory and my deep pleasure in Him to be my ultimate goal.  We all have an omega point, some of us may even have several omega points.  The question is, who or what is mine?  Is Christ the ultimate end, or simply the means to my own happy ending?  Am I living for an omega-point, or the one and only Omega-point?   

2. What do I think about most?  I’m a planner, and when the bubble upon which I build my illusion of control is suddenly popped, I become anxious.  Freak-out sessions and an ensuing sense of panic have been known to occur.  So what do I think about most?  Am I bringing glory to God in my heavily detailed and future-oriented thought life, or am I still stuck trying to figure out life in my own strength? I realize how desperately I need to relinquish this battle for control by surrendering my mind to Christ and taking every thought captive to Him!  Oh God, break my of my illusion of control and remind me that You are the only reason for my hope! 

3. How do I use my money?  Am I using my money to magnify God and further His kingdom, or does it find its greatest use in servicing my own self-centered wants and whims? Where is my treasure, and where is my heart? Luke 12:3 makes it clear that wherever my treasure is, there will my heart be also.  Do I treasure Christ or ultimately my possessions? Am I living for this world or the next?  Do I bring my offering forth begrudgingly or as an act of worship?  The answer makes all the difference.             

4. What do I do with my leisure time?  First off, do I even allow myself leisure time without giving into feelings of guilt and inadequacy?  As I stated earlier, I’m a people-pleaser and therefore a perfectionist and a performer.  Therefore, when I’m not performing, I sometimes allow myself to be taken captive by the lie that I am somehow failing and unworthy.  Leisure, as God designed it, is a beautiful thing.  It is an invitation to deeper fellowship and communion with Him and other believers, a time when we are invited fully into His presence without the worry and stress of always doing and performing. And yet, do I trust God enough to seek His presence fully in this manner? In college, I have made it my goal to make Sundays a complete day of rest.  This has been surprisingly difficult and indeed a bigger challenge than I originally anticipated.  What I’ve realized is this: if Sunday is indeed to be a day of rest, than it requires extra time and effort and diligence during the rest of the week. Regardless of my performance, however, I am commanded to rest.  God is glorified when I allow myself to seek the pleasure of His presence by surrendering up my hectic schedule and “to do” list to Him.  I am realizing quickly that to not seek His presence and the fellowship of other believers is actually a result of pride, pride which stems from my need to feel adequate and self-sufficient.  The glorious reality, however, is that I am not self-sufficient, and this is not a curse but rather a blessing, a blessing meant to drive me into deeper communion and community as I realize my deep need for Christ and others.  My prayer is that I will come to find peace in the silence.  May I never fear the stillness, but rather rejoice in the quite resting place my Lord tenderly invites me into!

5. Whose company to I enjoy?  I want to take this in a slightly different direction and ask myself instead, whose company do I intentionally seek out? I confess I don’t enjoy being called out and being held accountable isn’t exactly fun, so those relationships are ones I tend to avoid.  It all boils down to a fear of man which is ultimately rooted in pride (wow, sensing a theme yet?).  And yet, this is exactly the sort of company I need.  I need fellowship with those who will help draw me into deeper community with fellow believers and more intimate communion with Christ.  I confess I also tend to exchange the intimacy I am granted in Christ for the promise of more “tangible” human relationships. I know that Christ is the answer to all my deepest yearnings, but if He were all I truly had, would I still find my joy and satisfaction in Him?  Do I delight in His presence, or is His presence simply a mandated chore?  My prayer is that community with others and communion with Christ will not just be a duty, but a true delight to my soul.

6. Who and what do I admire?  Do I admire and adore Christ, or am I filled with adoration towards those idols I have erected in my own heart?  In my spiritual pride, I confess I am most guilty of self-adoration! What a lie I have believed.  In my sin I allow myself to become disillusioned to my own desperate and needy state.  My prayer is that God will break me of my spiritual pride and bring me humbly to my knees before Him.  Though I am bought and set free by the blood of Christ, may I never forget my sin-soiled state!

7. What do I laugh at? I found this last question quite puzzling at first, and yet I believe there is a lot of truth in the fact that you can often tell an individual's character by the things he or she laughs at and finds humorous.  As I look at my own heart, I must ask myself this: Do I find pleasure in God’s good glory and the amazing works of His hand, or do I seek to elevate myself by mocking and gossiping about others?  I know I’m not believing the Gospel when I put others down in order to make me feel better about myself!

I am so glad I came upon Tozer’s list.  It was much needed.  As Christians, I believe we have a responsibility to examine our hearts and lives and ask the tough questions.  Personally, I confess that diving deep into these issues can be intimidating out of fear of what I may find hidden away within the dark recesses of my heart.  But I do know this, whatever I find, I serve and worship the great God Almightly who is wholeheartedly committed to my sanctification, and nothing I find is too great for Him to overcome! 

Sweetly Broken

“O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.” ― A.W. Tozer

Well, it finally happened.  Stubborn and strong-willed Sara Seeland has come to the end of herself.  I’m hopeless and helpless to save myself. It’s been a difficult day.  A difficult week.  In fact, I admit it’s been an incredibly difficult summer.  In spite of all the things God has taught me, I’m exhausted of still trying to “do life” in my own strength.  I am drowning in my self-sufficiency.  The reality of the situation is that in my recent flounderings to remain strong and independent, I have actually become increasingly needy.  Needy for Something and Someone. 

While I believe firmly that God uses these barren times of frustration and loneliness to invite us into deeper communion with Him, I have not accepted that invitation.  Rather, I have forsaken this incredibly opportunity to immerse myself in the gospel and have instead pursued fulfillment in those things which cannot ultimately satisfy. Take relationships, for example.  As beings designed after God’s own image, we are created for community with other beings.  This community, however, should not come at the expense of deep and intimate communion with God.  This summer, however, I have sacrificed that communion for community—I have turned towards others to fill that which only God can supply, and when they fail to satisfy this deep need I have within, I isolate myself in frustration and despair.

I am deeply convicted by his sermon, “The First Dark Exchange: Idolatry”, in which John Piper preaches on Romans 1:21-23.  This passage reads, “For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures.”  I am ashamed to admit I have absolutely suppressed the Holy Spirit’s promptings within me.  Instead, I have pursed the “pitiful substitutes” that Piper describes in his sermon, and as he himself states, “That is the fundamental problem with the human race. We do not acknowledge, value, treasure, savor, honor, or make much of the greatest value in the universe, the glory of God. That is our wickedness and our disease and our great mutiny against God.”  Piper argues, “The created universe is all about glory.  The deepest longing of the human heart and the deepest meaning of heaven and earth are summed up in this: the glory of God…The universe was made to show it, and we were made to see it and savor it.  Which is why the world is so disordered and as dysfunctional as it is.  We have exchanged the glory of God for other things.” I am indeed guilty of this “dark exchange”, in the midst of which my speculations have become futile, my heart has darkened, and my own perceived wisdom has masked the true foolishness of my exchange.

Christ is indeed the answer to the psalmist’s question, “Whom have I in heaven but you?” (Psalm 73:25), and yet I have failed—refused, in fact—to embrace this reality.  I am so thankful, however, that God has not left me to myself.  Despite forsaking Him and running headlong into self-destruction, Christ has chased after me and assumed the cost of my deliberate sins upon Himself.  His radical sacrifice is beyond my understanding, and yet I do know this:  I have reached the end of myself, and now it is He I must finally turn towards to save me from my Hell-bound race.  But I feel cold and distant, and I am ashamed of my meager, half-hearted attempts to return once again to His side.   And so my prayer, like Tozer, is this: “O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.”  May I once again experience the sweet communion that comes only from fellowship with God, and may He humble me through this such that I am evermore reminded that He alone is the one true treasure that my heart and soul yearn for.  

Like HERE to Piper's sermon, "The First Dark Exchange: Idolatry"

Photo of the Day: Dragonfly

Although this picture is a little blurry, I nevertheless find the details absolutely breathtaking.  I am blessed and amazed that I have been granted access to the Creator who designed all this beauty around me.  Everywhere I look I see the delicate intricacies of His hand, and I am so thankful for the daily reminders of His power and presence.  I believe firmly that God has made Himself known to us through His creation.  Unbelievers may fail to acknowledge the Creator.  Christians, however, have been granted eyes to see a glimpse of God through His creation.  When I look in awe at all the beauty and detail of the creation around me, it only causes me to praise and wonder at how much greater my Lord and Creator must be!  Surely the Creator must be greater than the creation, and this life a mere dull reflection of the glory and splendor that is to come when we are re-united with our Lord and Father.  May I never delight or stand in awe of creation for it's own sake.  Rather, my prayer is that it will lead me back to the worship of the One who created it all.   

Humble Pie

I am so incredibly thankful for Romans 8:28.    This process of sanctification is long and often trying, but I am so grateful that the God I serve is One who breaks into my brokenness and pieces me back together with the transforming power of His grace and mercy.   

What was my most recent “break-through”?  It was my last post, titled “Lists: Your Plans or God’s?”.  Actually, the “break-through” did not occur until several days after my posting.  It was then that God quickly brought to my attention the rotten state of my proud heart.  Through His Spirit and the words of other believing friends, He removed the scales from my eyes and allowed me to see that while the things I wrote in my last post may have indeed been true, they were not written in a spirit of grace and humility.  Rather, my last post was an arrogant response to the seemingly proud and conceited “list mentality”.   I am so convicted by Luke 6:45 which reads, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”  And what was the attitude of my heart?  Pride, and it manifested itself in my self-righteous post.  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! I do not have everything figured out, and I am increasingly realizing how incredibly prone I am to the sin of thinking I do!

I love how John Piper portrays this battle between the Spirit and the flesh in one of his sermons. He states:

Picture your flesh—that old ego with the mentality of merit and craving for power and reputation and self-reliance—picture it as a dragon living in some cave of your soul. Then you hear the gospel, and in it Jesus Christ comes to you and says, "I will make you mine and take possession of the cave and slay the dragon. Will you yield to my possession? It will mean a whole new way of thinking and feeling and acting." You say: "But that dragon is me. I will die." He says, "And you will rise to newness of life, for I will take its plan; I will make my mind and my will and my heart your own." You say, "What must I do?" He answers, "Trust me and do as I say. As long as you trust me, we cannot lose." Overcome by the beauty and power of Christ you bow and swear eternal loyalty and trust.

And as you rise, he puts a great sword in your hand and says, "Follow me." He leads you to the mouth of the cave and says, "Go in, slay the dragon." But you look at him bewildered, "I cannot. Not without you." He smiles. "Well said. You learn quickly. Never forget: my commands for you to do something are never commands to do it alone." Then you enter the cave together. A horrible battle follows and you feel Christ's hand on yours. At last the dragon lies limp. You ask, "Is it dead?" His answer is this: "I have come to give you new life. This you received when you yielded to my possession and swore faith and loyalty to me. And now with my sword and my hand you have felled the dragon of the flesh. It is a mortal wound. It will die. That is certain. But it has not yet bled to death, and it may yet revive with violent convulsions and do much harm. So you must treat it as dead and seal the cave as a tomb. The Lord of darkness may cause earthquakes in your soul to shake the stones loose, but you build them up again. And have this confidence: with my sword and my hand on yours this dragon's doom is sure, he is finished, and your new life is secure."

I think that is the meaning of Galatians 5:24, "Those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Christ has taken possession of our soul. Our old self has been dealt a mortal wound and stripped of its power to have dominion. The Christian life, the fruit of the Spirit, is a constant reckoning of the flesh as dead (piling stones on its tomb) and a constant relying on the present Spirit of Christ to produce love, joy, and peace within. The difference between the Christian life and popular American morality is that Christians will not take one step unless the hand of Christ holds the hand that wields the sword of righteousness.

I am so thankful that I am not alone, for I know how helpless I am to save myself.  If I want to destroy this dragon within me, I need Someone great.  Only He who is within me possesses the power to bring about my sanctification, and I am so thankful that my God is committed to helping me destroy this dragon that rears its ugly head of pride and self-righteousness.  

I am not naïve enough to think that the battle it over.  In fact, I am so aware of my sinful and needy state that I have no doubt I will continue to sin in this area.  By God’s grace, however, I don’t want to give Satan a foothold.  My prayer is that I will awake every morning and prostrate myself before the foot of the cross, for it is there that I am safest.  May God continually keep me on my knees before Him, and may I never forget my own desperate and needy state!  And when I do fall and fail, may He grant me to humility and confidence to boldly confess my sins. 

In my pride I was blind to my own self-righteousness and utterly convinced that my last post was justified.  Indeed, the words may have been, but the heart and spirit behind my words were not.  The following prayer from the Valley of Vision fits my situation perfectly. 

"Self-Knowledge"

“Searcher of Hearts,

It is a good day to me when thou givest me a glimpse of myself;

Sin is my greatest evil, but thou art my greatest good;

I have cause to loathe myself, and not to seek self-honour,

for no one desires to commend his own dunghill.

My country, family, church fare worse because of my sins,

For sinners bring judgment in thinking sins are small, or

That God is not angry with them.

Let me not take other good men as my example,

and think I am good because I am like them,

For all good men are not so good as thou desirest,

Are not always consistent,

Do not always follow holiness,

Do not feel eternal good in sore affliction.

Show me how to know when a thing is evil

Which I think is right and good,

How to know when what is lawful

Comes from an evil principle,

Such as desire for reputation or wealth by usury.

Give me grace to recall my needs,

My lack of knowing thy will in Scripture,

Of wisdom to guide others,

Of daily repentance, want to which keeps thee at bay,

Of the spirit of prayer, having words without love,

Of zeal for thy glory, seeking my own ends,

Of joy in thee and thy will, of love to others.

And let me not lay my pipe too short of the fountain,

Never touching the eternal spring, never drawing down water from above.

-The Valley of Vision, p. 122f

This is such a powerful reminder that I am not above reproach.  Even more so, however, I rejoice that God uses even my most miserable failings to bring about my sanctification and ultimately His glory.  What a promise we have in Romans 8:28!   

Lists: Your Plans or God's?

He must not only know what he believes, he must know why he believes the things that he believes.  He's gotta be good with kids.  Hardworking, honest, humble, and handsome: those are a must.  He's gotta be articulate and athletic.  If he's older and successful, that's a plus.  Oh, and tall too.  I'm almost 5'10", so I gotta be able to wear my heels and not dwarf him! He has to fit in perfectly with my life: if he truly loves me, he won't ask me to change.   He can't be a nut.  No wacky ex-girlfriends. He’s gotta love the Lord.  Oh, and did I mention he has to be handsome?  We’re talkin’ a 9 or a 10 here folks.  And together we’re gonna make smart, tall, beautiful, athletic and talented babies.  Lots of ‘em.     

How's that for a list?  Sound familiar? I mean, when it comes to a spouse, don't we deserve nothing less than the best?  If I believe God has great plans for me, isn't my list at least somewhat justified?  Well at minimum, people always say it's good to know what you want, right?  

Maybe.  Maybe not.  Herein lies my problem with the “list mentality”, and it arises after examining Proverbs 16.  Let’s look at a few verses:

Verse  1: "The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.”  That seems pretty clear to me: I can plan and daydream all I want, but in the end it is the Lord, the One with true authority, who wills and brings forth HIS plan.  Yes, HIS plan.  Not mine!  He is the Author of all things, the great playwright.  He has the final say on this stage we call life.  Maybe His answer is “Yes”, maybe “No”.  Or possibly, “Not now, dear child.”  But I do know this, whatever His answer, it is right and good because it is in accordance with His good will.  And so I trust that He has a beautiful plan beyond what I can even imagine!

Verse 2: “All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the spirit.” Each one of us is self- biased.  Just spend some time around any normal human being and that will become quite evident. Oh you came up with that idea?  You’re an idiot.  But if I came up with that idea, well now, that’s another story.  I’m brilliant.  Possibly even the greatest thing since the invention of the toothbrush (or SPAM).  Take you’re pick.   Well, not really, but I think you get my point.  Too often we cannot see past ourselves.  We think our ideas and our lives are great.  We think we’re great.  What’s most scary about this is that often these thoughts and ideas about ourselves are not even conscious!  We are so wrapped up in ourselves and we can’t even see it! So when the Lord weighs my spirit, what will He find?  Will He find me searching high and low for the perfect spouse to fit my perfect little world?  A spouse who can fulfill all of my wants and needs?  Or will He find me humbly surrendering up my love life (or lack of it!) to Him?  Am I seeking a spouse for my own glory or for His?  Am I seeking to pursue my “pure” ways, or His pure ways? The answer makes all the difference.    

Verse 4a: “The LORD has made everything for its purpose.”  Everything?  Yes, everything.  “Whoa!”, you say, “that’s a lot of things!”   Indeed it is!  I find it amazing that all things and all human beings possess a unique, God-give purpose.  And furthermore, God equips us to fulfill our purposes when we are pursuing and seeking after Him!  While I would certainly like to be married some day, I know that as long as I keep running after the Lord, He is going to give me the tools I need to fulfill all He has called me to.  Maybe somewhere in there He’ll include a husband.  Maybe not.  Either way, however, I will not be lacking, because in Him I have EVERYTHING!  Once again, am I pursuing God’s purpose for my life, or am I trying to force my own self-determined purpose on Him?          

Verse 5:  “Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the LORD; be assured, he will not go unpunished.”  An abomination to the Lord?  That’s a pretty serious statement!  But I believe there is a lot of truth in this, especially when it comes to relationships and dating.  I think the “list mentality” can be a sign of arrogance because it portrays the message that “I know best.  In fact, because I know best, and this is what I think I need, by golly I’m gonna get it!”  I think it can be  both presumptuous and prideful. But let’s take a step back.  Take me, for example.  Yes, I have ideas of what qualities a godly man should possess.  And while I don’t necessarily always hope for the “tall, dark and handsome” type, I confess there are certain traits I find more attractive in men. This seems innocent, but looking back at this verse, is it really arrogant? I think it all comes down to the heart.  Who am I trusting in?  Myself or the One who is bigger than me? Personally, I know this: God is bigger than any of my lists!  As my Creator and Father, He knows me intimately, and He knows me better than I even know myself.  In fact, because He knows me better than I even know myself, He also knows what I need more thoroughly than I myself know! And that even includes the type of man I Lord-willing marry someday!  I believe wholeheartedly that God has something glorious in store for me.  Whether that is a life of singleness or marriage, I do not know.  And yet I do know this: whatever God has in store, He will make it clear and He will equip me for it.  And furthermore, I will be incredibly grateful in the end because whatever He brings me, it will be way beyond anything I could ever dare ask or imagine.   To draw from Tim Keller, “[…my] mind is not open enough or frankly smart enough to know what [I] spiritually need.”  God is bigger than our lists.  I know this because countless times I have seen Him turn such lists completely upside-down!  God gives us what we need, not what we want!  And to demand our near-sighted desires be met and blessed by Him is both arrogance and foolishness!      

Verse 9: “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” You mean I don't have the final say?  No.  You can plan all you want, but God always has the last word.   Once again, this is another affirmation that God is bigger than our lists!   

Verse 25: "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death."  Death?  Whoa, that's pretty serious! Many of you are probably wondering if death in this context is meant literally or figuratively.  I would argue both.  I think a family friend stated it very well when she said, "Dream your dreams, but if God isn't in them they'll soon become your worst nightmares."  Nightmares which will manifest themselves in physical, emotional, and spiritual death.  Yes, I hope to be married someday.  Indeed, very much so.  But I only want this if it is indeed what the Lord has for me.  If it is not in His plan, I want no part in it. I’d rather be in God’s will and single than pursuing my own will and married.  If I determine for myself that I will be married, and I pursue that apart from God’s will, I have no doubt that it will be disastrous.  I mean, how more disastrous than death can it get? It can’t! 

As I wrap up, I want to look at The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer.  He writes, "There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life. Because it is natural, it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is. But its outworkings are tragic. We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. That is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fear. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed."  What are these "things" we cling to?  Well, it can most definitely be those treasures and relationships which are tangible.  But I also believe these "things" we cling to can just as much be ideas.  In the world of dating and relationships, especially prospective relationships, these ideas and images can manifest themselves in lists, either physical or mental.  The problem is, these notions are often constructed out of our own selfish and sometimes misguided yearnings.  

And so I close with this: like John Newton, I want my joyful prayer to be, "Lord, what you will, when you will, how you will."  If it is the Lord's will that I be blessed enough to be married some day, I am trusting that He will bring that man into my life in His good timing.  And I am trusting that He will do that apart from, and in spite of, my meek lists.  Until then, I have the duty of singleness, and I want to be used by my Lord and Savior where He has me now—and that is as a single college student.  I don’t want to waste this precious time away yearning for something that might not even be in the Lord’s plan for me.   Instead of focusing on lists and daydreaming about my future spouse, I want to pour my time and energy into accomplishing all that God has for me and day by day, growing more and more into a woman after His own heart.  Lord, what you will, when you will, how you will.  Amen.

**Note:  For those of you concerned folks out there, that list at the beginning is not Sara Seeland’s “What I Want in a Husband” list.  It was rather a compilation and exaggeration of lists I have seen over the past.  Please forgive the ridiculous sarcasm as I sought to re-create snippets from those lists.