“Teach me your way O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.” (Psalm 86:11)
After my spring semester ended in a not-so-desirable way, God took on the job of breaking down Sara. Now, from the world’s perspective this must sound harsh, the act of a cruel God who takes a sort of sick pleasure in inflicting pain and suffering on His so-called “child.” Indeed, Project Sara was harsh, painful even. And it continues to be so! I didn’t want God intruding into my life, throwing open the doors to my heart and allowing all of my hidden idolatries to flood out. I had worked so hard to conceal them, and now to my great horror God was exposing my true heart.
I had allowed these idolatries to creep into my heart, perhaps because in them I saw their empty, yet nonetheless enticing, promises. I love how Pastor Tim Keller (Redeemer Presbyterian Church, NYC) draws from Luther to explain the root of idolatry:
“All people sin in general because we are sinners, but why do we sin in any particular instance? Luther indicates the first commandment is foundational to all the others. Why? Because we will not break commandments 2-10 unless we are in some way breaking commandment One and serving some idol. Every sin is rooted in the inordinate lust for something which comes because we are trusting in that thing rather than in Christ for our righteousness or salvation. At the moment we sin it is because we are looking to something to give us what only Jesus can give us. Beneath any particular sin is the general sin of rejecting Christ-salvation and indulging in self-salvation.”
Though I claimed Christ to be the source of my identify, the hidden recesses of my heart exposed the opposite. I was keenly aware of this disconnect, for the life I portrayed to others stood in sharp opposition to the inner workings of my heart which were geared elsewhere. I had entertained my idols, gradually at first, but by now I was caught up in a viscous and downward-spiraling cycle which they controlled; I was overrun and my every action, word and thought had been taken captive by the very things I had turned towards to save me. I had striven and sacrificed my heart on the altars of vanity, lust-love, peer approval, and so much more.
As a fugitive running headlong into self-destruction, I needed to be saved from myself. In my pride I thought I had the self-will to bring about lasting change without outside help. Wrong. At the time, I questioned why God didn’t intervene. Did He care? Did He even see the mess I was in? Why didn’t He help? Now, however, I realize that it was exactly for that reason that God didn’t intervene immediately—the all-powerful Creator of the Universe is not one I casually invite to be my helper.
And so, God acted lovingly by allowing me to reach the end of myself. After many failed attempts at purging myself of my idols, I became painfully aware of both my addictions and my own helplessness in ridding myself of them. Looking back, I thank God that He allowed me to struggle alone for a period, for it only drove me to my knees before him. It was when I reached the point of crying out to Him, pleading for Him to rule my life and become more than simply my helper that God mercifully yet firmly intervened. In His wisdom and power He began by stripping me of my pride, pride which had left me drowning in a pool of self-reliance. He gave me a hunger for His Word, through which His Spirit softened my heart. He removed my blinders and allowed me to gaze upon the true state of my heart. He also gave me ears to hear the concerned words of others, loving guidance which I had previously perceived as critical, moral attacks.
Over the course of the summer, the Holy Spirit worked in a myriad of ways. Two specific results of His work are as follows: (1) I deactivated my Facebook account (2) I no longer have a death grip on my cell phone. I even knowingly allow my cell phone to run out of battery—imagine that! Now, these may sound trivial, but both Facebook and my cell phone had become the means through which I fed my prideful self-image, sacrificing horrendous amounts of time to each—especially texting. Looking back it makes me sick. I cannot undo the past, but thank God that without the distractions of Facebook and my constantly-vibrating phone, He allowed me to be home and remain focused this summer—focused on the children I nanny, my family relationships, my prayer life, the Truth Project, and immersing myself in His Word. Knowing my deepest struggles, God also graciously provided a young woman after His own heart to mentor and disciple me in my faith. I am so blessed that she was willing to sacrifice her time to invest in me, for as she poured herself into me God used her as a tool to speak His truth into my life. Praise God, for six months ago I balked at the idea of accountability and submission!
And so, it wasn’t until this summer that I finally grasped what the psalmist was praying for when he pleaded that God grant him an undivided heart. As the summer draws to an end and I reflect on the past months, I see everywhere the merciful intervention of my Heavenly Father who brought me to the end of myself and allowed me to see my idols through His eyes as lies and empty promises that wreak havoc on the soul when given a foothold. Though I still have a web of sins and idolatries, I thank God that He is longsuffering with His ever-wandering child. With my Junior year fast-approaching, my prayer, like the psalmist’s, has become: Teach me your way O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name! I am either pursuing God or I am pursuing the idolatrous affairs of my heart. There is no in-between. With all the business and demands of college I will face in the months ahead, my deep prayer is that God will protect my heart, guarding it against the perilous pulls of this world. I want my eyes to be fixed on God—I want to want Him, to pursue Him, and to find my satisfaction, identity, rest, peace and assurance in Him and Him alone! May He strip me of myself and replace in me a hunger for Himself!
