“And let us consider how to
stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as
is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see
the Day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:24-25)
Wednesday nights my church holds prayer
meeting. Yes, prayer meeting. Sounds a
little old-fashioned and Puritan-esque, right?
Maybe so. I confess that when my
family first began attending Redeemer, I balked at prayer meeting. You
mean I will be asked to pray with strangers?
No thank you!
I dreaded prayer meeting for several
reasons. First, prayer meeting meant I
had to pray with strangers, and usually one-on-one. As much as I loved meeting new people, this
could be awkward. What if no one wanted
to pray with me? And when I did find someone, what if we didn’t click? What if they didn’t like me? Secondly, praying aloud was a major source of
fear for me. What if I couldn’t
articulate my thoughts? What would the
person praying with me think? Would I be
looked down on for the manner in which I prayed? These anxieties manifested themselves in some
pretty tragic ways, the result being that during prayer meeting I became so
focused on my prayers that I completely forgot about the One I was praying
to. Sounds pretty distorted, right? That’s because it was. I was completely crippled by my insecurities,
unable to be real in my prayers because I felt a need to portray myself in a
certain light, a need to be what others expected me to be. And so, fearing the judgment of others, I
wasn’t vulnerable in my prayers. Rather than prayer meeting being a time of
community with other believers and communion with God, prayer meeting became a
courtroom. Would I live up to the
expectations of others? Would I have
their approval? Ultimately, the reason
prayer meeting freaked me out is because it was all about me. My comfort. My
reputation. As Tim Keller says, “It
takes pride to be anxious.” This was
exactly my case, for my anxiety stemmed from a twisted sense of pride which manifested itself in a fear of man.
"We are
all looking for an ultimate verdict that we are important and valuable. We look
for that ultimate verdict every day in all the situations and people around us.
And that means that every single day, we are on trial. Every day, we put ourselves
back in a courtroom…” –Tim Keller, ‘The Freedom of
Self-Forgetfulness’
I am so thankful that my God is patient
yet firm with me. Over the years I’ve
needed to repeatedly confess and repent of my fear of man. Through the work of the Holy Spirit and the
encouragement of others, this is an area I’ve grown in. But it’s not over—I still, at times, find
myself returning to this fearful and self-preoccupied state. It seems that so often I fail to remember Who God
is, thereby forgetting Whose I am.
“...but [Christians]
are out of the courtroom, [we] are out of the trial. How? Because Jesus Christ
went on trial instead. Jesus went into the courtroom. Why? As our substitute.
He took the condemnation we deserve; He faced the trial that should be ours so
that we do not have to face any more trials...Self-forgetfulness takes you out
of the courtroom. The trial is over. The verdict is in... We have to relive the
gospel on the spot and ask ourselves what we are doing in the courtroom. We
should not be there. The court is adjourned." –Tim Keller, ‘The Freedom of
Self-Forgetfulness’
So at times
although prayer meeting is the last place I want to be, it is exactly where I need to
be, since this is where real, transformative growth takes place—outside my
comfort zone.
“The
only way to come to God is by taking off any spiritual mask. The real you has
to meet the real God. He is a person. The criteria for coming to Jesus is
weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind.
Come messy. Instead of being frozen by your self-preoccupation, talk with God
about your worries. Often we are so busy and overwhelmed that when we slow down
to pray, we don’t know where our hearts are. We don’t know what troubles us.
So, oddly enough, we might have to worry before we pray. Then our prayers will
make sense. They will be about our real lives.”
–Paul
Miller, ‘A Praying Life’
Prayer
meeting is thus a chance for me to practice the freedom of self-forgetfulness. It’s not about me. It’s about worshiping my Lord and Savior through
fellowship with other believers. It’s not about how I view myself or how others
view me. Ultimately, these perspectives
do not matter. The only perspective that
matters is God’s. What does this mean?
It means I can come to prayer meeting messy—I’m free to admit my
weakness and struggles, free to be real.
What a sweet relief it is.
"Like Paul, we can
say, 'I don't care what you think. I don't even care what I think. I only care
what the Lord thinks.' And he has said, 'Therefore, there is now no
condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus', and 'You are my beloved child
in whom I am well pleased.' Live out of that.” –Tim Keller, ‘The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness’
I have been so encouraged
by the manner in which the body of Christ has really become a living reality
for me. As much as I once dreaded prayer
meeting, I now leave Redeemer incredibly encouraged. Through conversation and prayer, I get to
experience communion and fellowship with fellow believers. Since we gather as
the body of Christ, the women I pray with are my sisters. Sisters.
“For where two or three are
gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
(Matthew 18:20)
Just like I
don’t fear my sister Ingrid, I need not fear my sisters in Christ. These women have blessed me in profound ways,
and despite any differences we may have, we are united by a common
foundation—Christ. And what a solid
foundation it is, for the Gospel of Christ crosses all barriers. What a gift that prayer meeting gives me the
opportunity to pray and worship with people I might not otherwise connect with.
“…a Christian comes to others only through
Jesus Christ….Without Christ we should not know God, we could not call upon
him, nor come to him. But without Christ we also would not know our brother,
nor could we come to him. The way is blocked by our own ego. Christ opened up
the way to God and to our brother.” —Dietrich Bonhoeffer
