My Illusion of Control and The Reason for Hope

I am naturally a planner.  In fact, for anyone who has ever been near enough to take a quick glance at my color-coded calendar, this is quite obvious.   Never before, however, have I thought of myself as a “control-freak”.  Honestly, that combination sounds quite extreme and harsh for describing my “conscientious” and “responsible” planning.  Others might very well be possessively controlling, but certainly not me.  This is what I, in my pride, often believe.

Now, before I continue, I want to explain that I am not arguing that planning is either “bad” or “wrong”.  That would be untrue, for planning is indeed wise. It is my desperate need to manage, however, and my response when things don’t go according to plan that I am trying to address.    

So, why am I so caught up in planning? And why, when things begin to fall apart, do I fall into a frenzy of fear and anxiety? I believe it is because we all act on what we believe to be true—I may give all the lip service I want to my faith, but in the end, my actions will testify to the true state of my heart, speaking louder than my words ever could.  And so, if I fall apart when I begin to lose control of                      (s), it is because I am looking to                        (s), instead of Christ, for my source of hope, comfort, joy, peace and identity.  My idols are anything apart from Christ of which I say, “I must have it, for without it my life is meaningless.”

Through this past week’s sermon God forced me to take a long, deep, hard look at my heart. He showed me that my worries arise when my thoughts and hopes are centered on anything else than Him and His will for my life.  So often I refuse to let God be God.  By this, I mean that I regularly fail to trust God enough to completely surrender my life and the circumstances of my life to Him.  I instead seek to manage the people and situations around me, and at the slightest threat of losing control I become anxious and restless, only further tightening my grip on the often already floundering situation. This struggle to regain control only brings forth further fear and anxiety that results in a steep and downward-spiraling cycle, one which leaves me crying out in despair. 

Through the work of the Holy Spirit I am coming to see that the worry, fear, and anxiety that leave the soul desperate and depressed are ultimately rooted in unbelief—unbelief in God’s grace, goodness, mercy, love, and power.  Do I believe that what I believe is really real?  Do I have complete faith in the object of my faith, which is Christ?  If I truly believe that my Lord is really real, and that His will is to bring about my good and His glory, then my fears and anxieties are not justified.  My Lord and Savior is intimately concerned with the details of my life, and on Him I may cast all my anxieties, for He sees my need and cares for me.  

I am not in control, and it’s time I stop feeding the lie that I am.   The fear and anxieties and constant reminders of my powerlessness will eat away at me if I continue to strive as I have.  And so, I must daily ask myself if I am living in accordance with what I believe to be true.  I have spent my life creating an illusion of control, a great burden that I am invited to give up. If I surrender completely and joyfully to Christ, I have all the peace of Christ’s assurance, and for that I need not be afraid.  I want to humbly and joyfully surrender myself to Christ, to submit to His rule, to rest in the hope and freedom He promises!